From Chaos & Prison to Peace | Dustin "DL" Largusa | 027

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Hey everybody, it's Mick from
When You Look giving you a heads

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up that there's a parental
advisory on this particular

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episode.
There's great insight in it,

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lots of amazing conversation,
but not all of the topics are

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ones that you necessarily want
your younger kids listening to.

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And then I put the gun up to my
head and no sooner did I do

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that, then my brother texted me
and I don't know why I looked at

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the phone.
Honestly, I don't know why.

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Like if this was me, God and
this gun that that was my

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moment.
He says, hey man, it's been

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non-stop prayer and worship.
Nobody wants to leave the

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building.
Tomorrow's going to be Day 8 of

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it.
Do you want to go?

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Before I could even think if I
wanted to, before I could think

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anything, I was just overwhelmed
by peace.

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Welcome to When You Look, where
ordinary people share their

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extraordinary experiences and
you get to decide was it

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coincidence or God?
DL what is up man?

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Welcome to When You Look.
Super pumped to have you on the

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show.
Thanks mixed.

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Happy to be here brother.
Super pumped as well man.

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Yeah, awesome.
Well, we are in for a treat to

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hear a lot of your life story
basically.

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But before we get to that, tell
us a little bit about yourself.

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Well, not much to know man.
I'm just a regular gel.

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I, I mean, there's so many
layers to it.

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At best, I can just say, man,
I'm a servant of the House of

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God.
I'm a helper people in need and

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I'm a friend for those who need
it.

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Despite all of the labels that I
once had, right?

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Like my about me here, I'll give
you my old labels that I, that I

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carry just to show the love of
God, adulterer, slanderer,

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felon, convict, thief, you know,
just to name a few.

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I like the I'm a guy that
carries the pall lens man of all

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the sinners, I'm the worst of
these and yet he still uses me.

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And so I will allow him to use
me and I'll ask him to use me

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and I'll do everything I can to
get the most out of it to

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squeeze that last drop of oil
out, as they say.

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Aside from that man, I'm just a
guy from the Bay Area.

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Lived in paradise for a little
while.

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I thought it was, you know, it
was Hawaii.

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So, you know, I thought it was
paradise.

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It looked great.
All these things were nice, but

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yeah, man, my, at the end of the
day, just a servant, bro, A

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humble servant as best as I can
be.

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That's me, you know.
Man, thanks for breaking all

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that down for us.
Seriously.

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And rocking the 415 hat was the
shout out to the Bay Area.

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Yes, Sir.
Well, man, let's get into it.

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Tell us about, you know, the
back story, life, all that as

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things unfold, and we will
listen intently.

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Yeah, so the back story, you got
your seat belt on, we're gonna

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do it.
So I, I was raised in a in a

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household that believed in God.
My grandfather was a minister

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shoot by the time he passed away
was I think like 50 years or

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something like that, just
faithfully serving the House of

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God, man, just shepherding folks
and, and, and being about what I

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wanted to be about, right.
I didn't really know

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relationship with God at the
time, though, but I knew I

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wanted to be like him.
I didn't know what it took, but

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I knew that until, until he
started asking me questions like

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when are you going to fulfil
your potential and, and things

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like that.
Then my ego started to rise up

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and and I became a completely
different person.

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But before that went that way.
When I was 18, I was called.

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I felt it, I knew it.
I think my grandfather knew it.

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I started teaching Bible studies
at his church.

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Mind you, I'm 18, wet behind the
ears, fresh out of high school,

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probably read 2 pages of the
Bible.

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I knew scripture because it was
a good thing to memorize because

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you could win awards at church.
You know, I got a lot of gold

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stars for that.
Didn't know what any of it

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meant.
But yet I was still teaching

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adults Scripture.
So it was kind of interesting.

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So hindsight, I knew I was
called or I know I'm, I was

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called.
Then I at the time I felt it,

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but I didn't know what calling
looked like.

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So Fast forward, some things
happened in our family that my

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parents came, came back from
Hawaii and we ended up moving

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with them.
You know, I mean, I was 18, but

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I was still a kid.
So we moved with them to Las

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Vegas.
Hey, what's the best thing to do

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after you're called by God?
Move to the city of sin.

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That's a great response.
So I live out there man, and I

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just do regular people stuff,
ish.

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I mean, when you, when it comes
to Sin City, you know, you, you

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do, I'll be honest, you know, I
was, I committed a bunch of

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crimes and then did a lot of
terrible things in between

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there.
I had a wife and kids who are no

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longer a part of my life.
And it ultimately ended in one

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really swift swoop that like
kind of began like it was like

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the catalyst for all of this get
divorced.

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And, and in the process of my
divorce, my, my parents are

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walking their dog.
It's their morning routine, you

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know, be healthy.
You know, they're getting older.

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So they do this like 2 mile walk
around the block or something.

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Anyways, as they're coming
through like the third leg of

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the stretch almost on their way
home, somebody was in a hurry to

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make a left turn.
And when they're in the

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crosswalk, he mowed my mom down,
hit my dad, which it ultimately

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resulted in her dying.
My dad, honestly, I look at it

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now and I'm like, man, he's he
kind of died that day too.

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Because he's not the same, you
know, I don't know if it's

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result of trauma, if it's the
result of emotional stuff.

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I don't know what it is, man.
But he's not the same.

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So that happens now.
I had six kids.

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So it's like divorce, lose your
six kids.

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This happens to your parents.
And I had not lost a dog even in

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my life, man, like I had.
I didn't know what losing people

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looked like, you know, And and
then you know, that that that

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old saying where it's like you
don't know what you have until

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it's gone.
Yeah.

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This, this stretch of time
showed me how important certain

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people were in my life because
in their absence, I realized

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that I leaned on them for a lot
of things.

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So after that happens within a
year's time, my sister, who let

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me circle back really quick, my
mom and my sister both survived

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cancer.
My sister who had survived

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cancer.
Now a year after my mom dies,

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she dies.
She gets sick and the doctors

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don't catch it.
And by the time they catch it,

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she's riddled with it.
Only sister man, you know, and,

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and I think probably a month
after her, my grandfather, the

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minister who I admired and who
tried to push me to be better,

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he dies rapidly sick.
I've never seen this man with a

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cold in my entire life and he
rapidly sick and he just dies.

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So as a result, I responded with
in the only way that I knew how,

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let's go crazy.
And so I went back to the

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street, started doing a bunch of
things.

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And initially, initially it
wasn't about anything other than

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if I commit this crime, either a
cop or somebody else is going to

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shoot me.
And then I can go be with my

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mom.
I don't have to, I don't have to

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do this anymore.
I don't have to sit here and try

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to learn how to process grief
without the person that would,

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that would help me process
grief.

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And so I went on a string of, of
different, you know, like call,

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you could call them almost home
invasions, you know, robbing

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garages and things like that.
And, and excuse me and nobody

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shot me.
And, and, and it's, it's an

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interesting thing because I was
bummed out.

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Like I was like, nobody called
the cops.

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So the cops couldn't be there to
shoot me like nothing happened.

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And, and the reason why it was
so important was because I had

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tried to commit suicide and it
didn't work.

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I swallowed a bottle of Xanax
one night, pounded it with a

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tall can of beer, and I just
woke up feeling nauseous and,

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you know, like, and then
sluggish.

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It's the strangest thing, right?
So that didn't work every other

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time I tried.
You know, I don't want to share

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details because whoever might
watch this, I don't want to give

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you any ideas.
It's not the right thing to do.

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But every other time somebody
ended up showing up right before

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or right after I went
unconscious and like, I don't

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know, I, I couldn't do it, you
know, So it was like I was

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either incapable or the other
ways that I could think of were

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too scary or something, but
something would not allow me to

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to be successful in that
endeavor.

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And so I kind of started looking
at things a little bit

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differently.
Right.

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Again, grandfather raised me.
So I knew of God, man, I, I knew

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he was there.
I'd always talked to him, just

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never really like, it was always
kind of like, huh, is that you

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got, huh, is this you right.
And so in, in this moment, it

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was like, you must not, you must
not want me to go right, like

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you must, you must want me to do
something.

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And what's what really
solidified that was one night I

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was out in at a trap house and,
and somebody pulled a gun on me

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and the trigger got pulled and
the gun, the gun jammed.

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The strangest thing because it's
not a gun that jams.

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And so I don't know, I've got a
bunch of near miss experiences

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like that, but all ultimately
they lead to the final point

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that I'm going to get to.
So all of that happens and then

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I go to prison for two years in
prison when COVID hits, people

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can't go out.
We're even more locked down in

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there, right?
You guys had to shelter in

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place.
Like we were even more locked

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down.
We were under a Max program,

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which is 23 and 1.
You get 1 hour out of the cell

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and we wouldn't even always get
an hour out.

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And so you could only imagine
the, the stress and anxiety like

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when I'd get out finally and I'd
go to call my family and nobody

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would answer the phone.
Like it's like piece by piece,

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right?
All of the things that I

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depended on in my life were
slowly being removed, right?

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And again, I, I did what most
people probably would do and,

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and still do in those
situations.

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Really, God, like this is all
your fault, God, Why are you so

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mean to me?
God right.

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Like this is dumb.
And and so I get out of prison.

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Mind you, in the in the midst of
that, I can't get very many

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people to pick up the phone.
The one person that's consistent

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through the entire time is my
little brother, who today is my

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pastor.
He, I think in hindsight, I

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think he was pastoring me every
time he'd pick up the phone and

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I didn't know it.
But yeah, then I get out and

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it's like back to the same
stuff, right?

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Because I get out and and re
entry is not, it's not easy,

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right?
You I wasn't prepared.

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I'm going to say that I, I don't
think most people are, but to

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not generalize, I was not
prepared for what life looked

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like re entry for two reasons.
Nobody told me and nobody knew

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that COVID was going to make the
world look so different, right?

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Nobody knew that like 1 jokingly
thing I used to say was like,

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dude, I before I went to prison,
if you walk into a bank with a

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mask on, you're going to jail.
I get out and if you don't have

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one on, you're going to jail.
Like like this is ridiculous.

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You know, like the world had
changed, but I didn't I didn't

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know to be prepared for all of
the rejection, right?

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Like I've got a killer resume.
I, I'd like to think that I

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personally come across as
someone that might be likable

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enough to hire even for a entry
level job, you know, and it

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wasn't, it wasn't happening.
Like I couldn't even scrub

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toilets at McDonald's because of
my record.

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And that didn't make any sense
to me because I knew people that

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got out that had these great
jobs, right?

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And I felt like my crimes were
less than theirs, but it, it

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didn't make any sense.
And so here I am stressed out,

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anxious, right, getting ready to
go back to the same stuff

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because I knew money would come
out of that and I knew how to do

221
00:13:29,560 --> 00:13:30,840
that.
And nobody would tell me no,

222
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,760
right?
If I, if I hit any of my people

223
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:36,800
up and say, hey, let's go do
this or I want to, I went in on

224
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,400
that, right?
It would be like, OK, let's go.

225
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:44,240
It would be pretty easy.
Something stopped me, I think, I

226
00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:47,240
think in my conscious mind more
just being wanting to be

227
00:13:47,240 --> 00:13:51,240
practical and not wanting to go
back to prison kept me, kept me

228
00:13:51,360 --> 00:13:54,680
from doing that.
And So what I did was from

229
00:13:54,680 --> 00:13:56,920
Saint, from from Las Vegas, I
went to Saint Louis because I

230
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,680
had a friend out there like a
brother, him and his wife.

231
00:13:59,680 --> 00:14:03,080
And they invited me to come
visit for years, right.

232
00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:06,680
And I was like, you know what,
what better place to go to slow

233
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:10,320
down than the Midwest?
Like them country boys know how

234
00:14:10,320 --> 00:14:13,200
to slow down.
You know, like, like it's good,

235
00:14:13,200 --> 00:14:14,760
right?
Like I can do that.

236
00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:18,040
I can't do this fast-paced inner
city metro thing.

237
00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:20,640
Like it just doesn't work.
I know where it ends up.

238
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,680
And so I'm out there living with
them.

239
00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:27,920
You know, I get a job, do all
the things, and it's great,

240
00:14:28,320 --> 00:14:30,960
right?
Except I've got this massive

241
00:14:31,520 --> 00:14:34,800
void or like this pit, like
eating at the pit of my stomach,

242
00:14:34,800 --> 00:14:36,080
like, and I don't know what it
is.

243
00:14:36,560 --> 00:14:39,440
I feel heaviness on my heart and
I'm just like, I don't get it.

244
00:14:40,320 --> 00:14:43,760
So I come out to California to
visit my brother, the pastor.

245
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:48,800
It's his birthday, right?
I visit him and it's great.

246
00:14:48,800 --> 00:14:51,840
We're having fun.
I've had a lot of laughs

247
00:14:52,360 --> 00:14:54,640
remembering all of our good
times as kids, right?

248
00:14:54,640 --> 00:14:56,640
And my cousins are around like
I'm from here.

249
00:14:56,640 --> 00:15:00,320
So it it's OK.
And, and then I got to leave.

250
00:15:00,920 --> 00:15:03,560
Mind you, I had extended my stay
probably 3 different times.

251
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,360
My point, St.
Louis thought, I thought I was

252
00:15:06,360 --> 00:15:08,080
going to text him and tell him
to send my stuff.

253
00:15:08,080 --> 00:15:10,360
I'm not coming back.
You know, I was supposed to be

254
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,720
gone for like 3-4 days or
something.

255
00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:16,760
I was gone for like 14.
And so, but I'm on the train

256
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:20,920
back, man, and I'm just crying
like uncontrollably.

257
00:15:22,360 --> 00:15:25,400
And in my trying to make sense
of it, I'm like, well, you know,

258
00:15:25,400 --> 00:15:27,680
that's your little brother.
You only got one of those, you

259
00:15:27,680 --> 00:15:30,120
know, you miss him, you know,
and then you got your nephews

260
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:31,680
there.
And like I so I start putting

261
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,880
all my different family members
faces in my mind to tell me that

262
00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,600
that's why I'm so sad and so
hurt.

263
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,880
And so I get back to Saint Louis
and I'm still feeling it right.

264
00:15:43,040 --> 00:15:45,120
Then it goes away about two days
later goes away.

265
00:15:45,840 --> 00:15:49,880
But it had enough of an impact
for me to tell my boy I'm like,

266
00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:53,400
hey, man, would you be upset if
I left?

267
00:15:53,400 --> 00:15:56,240
I mean, I know we just kind of
started doing life together

268
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:59,240
again, But like, I, I, I feel
like I could go out there and he

269
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,920
tells me, you know, just be
practical, make sure you've got

270
00:16:01,920 --> 00:16:05,560
a job such, I mean, why is
counsel bro?

271
00:16:05,560 --> 00:16:09,200
Like he's not, he's not in my
church community or anything

272
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:12,040
like that, but he's someone got
put in my life to, to make me

273
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:13,720
think, right, like a voice of
reason.

274
00:16:14,520 --> 00:16:20,600
And so I find a job online.
This is the dream scenario,

275
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,440
right?
I'm looking for remote.

276
00:16:23,440 --> 00:16:25,360
So I 'cause I don't, I'm not
going to have a car when I get

277
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,760
out there.
I'm looking for something that

278
00:16:27,760 --> 00:16:30,680
pays well enough, right, 'cause
it's California, you know, like

279
00:16:31,120 --> 00:16:34,640
if you make $5,000,000 an hour,
you're probably minimum wage.

280
00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:40,440
Like, so I find this job that
that's paying 60 bucks an hour.

281
00:16:40,440 --> 00:16:43,960
Remote hours are as I need.
It's a marketing gig.

282
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:46,880
I'm like perfect, you know, I
mean, that was what I did when I

283
00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,880
got out of prison to try to
offset the rejections was I went

284
00:16:49,880 --> 00:16:52,960
to marketing school and that
still didn't really change too

285
00:16:52,960 --> 00:16:56,720
much.
But I go through a series of

286
00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:59,760
interviews.
It's like the first two, the

287
00:16:59,760 --> 00:17:03,280
third one happens the day that
my train is supposed to arrive

288
00:17:03,280 --> 00:17:05,480
back in California.
Because the second, the second

289
00:17:05,480 --> 00:17:07,119
I, I was secured for an
interview.

290
00:17:07,960 --> 00:17:10,520
I booked the ticket, just took
it in faith, man, I'm like, all

291
00:17:10,520 --> 00:17:12,440
right, we're good.
Like these people, like they

292
00:17:12,440 --> 00:17:13,800
went through my background
already.

293
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,040
It's good, right, 'cause they
have plenty of time.

294
00:17:17,079 --> 00:17:19,560
So I'm excited, right?
I'm, I'm starting to plan out my

295
00:17:19,560 --> 00:17:23,160
life, starting to think like,
man, this is going to be great.

296
00:17:23,280 --> 00:17:26,119
And then I get to tell people
that I was just in prison and

297
00:17:26,119 --> 00:17:27,920
like all of these different
things.

298
00:17:27,920 --> 00:17:33,000
And my train arrives and I get a
no show in the the interview

299
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,960
appointment, the very last one,
no show.

300
00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:40,000
Go to call.
They're not available.

301
00:17:41,920 --> 00:17:43,720
No response to my e-mail.
Right.

302
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,800
To this day, I don't know.
I would have to assume that they

303
00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,440
probably finally at that point
did get my background check

304
00:17:50,440 --> 00:17:52,720
back.
And we're like, yeah, you know,

305
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:57,080
because I've had, I've had it
happen where I was trying to

306
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:59,280
work for a job and they called
me when I was on my way to go

307
00:17:59,280 --> 00:18:01,920
live after my training.
And they said, yeah, where you

308
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,040
at?
And I was like, I'm on my way,

309
00:18:04,040 --> 00:18:06,760
you know, and tried to be like,
like one of those, you know,

310
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:08,440
'cause they say if you're early,
you're on time.

311
00:18:08,440 --> 00:18:09,920
If you're on time, you're late,
ha ha.

312
00:18:09,920 --> 00:18:14,160
You know, And the guy goes,
yeah, don't do that.

313
00:18:14,640 --> 00:18:16,720
We just got your background
back, you know, we can't hire

314
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:19,640
you, you know?
So it's like, it was one of

315
00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,360
those moments.
They just didn't say that to me.

316
00:18:21,360 --> 00:18:23,040
They just ghosted me instead.
Yeah.

317
00:18:24,400 --> 00:18:28,200
But I was deflated, completely
deflated, bro.

318
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:31,320
Like I didn't know what to do.
I came out to California with a

319
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:35,200
duffel bag and no money in my
pocket, you know, and I wasn't

320
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:40,200
going to sit there and, and then
I don't want to say Leech off of

321
00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:43,880
my family, but depend on my
family members to, to use

322
00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,160
whatever their excess was to
pick up slack for me.

323
00:18:46,680 --> 00:18:49,160
I, I wasn't going to do that.
Like I, I'd asked for help when

324
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,600
I could, but I, I think part of
it was my pride.

325
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:55,440
The other part of it was like, I
just didn't want to like I know

326
00:18:55,440 --> 00:18:59,240
everyone situations, right?
Like I don't any excess they got

327
00:18:59,240 --> 00:19:01,960
like let them use it for their
kids or for their marriage or

328
00:19:01,960 --> 00:19:05,600
you know, so here I am by
myself.

329
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:08,120
You know, I mean, I had a cousin
who lived in Oakland.

330
00:19:08,280 --> 00:19:13,720
I'm at his apartment and I had
the most real conversation I'd

331
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:16,320
ever had in my life with God,
right?

332
00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,760
You know, they, they say you if
you quote scripture back to him,

333
00:19:18,760 --> 00:19:20,880
if you tell him who he is in
praise, right?

334
00:19:21,200 --> 00:19:23,080
Like that's, that's a good way
to pray to God.

335
00:19:24,000 --> 00:19:26,480
So I did it.
I did it kind of that way, but

336
00:19:26,480 --> 00:19:28,280
more in the form of a
lamentation.

337
00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:35,800
And I, I pulled out my gun, put
one in the chamber and I had it.

338
00:19:35,800 --> 00:19:39,120
And before I put it to my head,
I looked up and, and I don't

339
00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:42,120
know why I do that, but I looked
up, you know, like God, I mean,

340
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:44,920
he's everywhere.
But like, I looked up and, and I

341
00:19:44,920 --> 00:19:48,160
said, I said, God, you're
supposed to be good.

342
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,680
Like you're supposed to be this
good father.

343
00:19:51,200 --> 00:19:53,000
You're supposed to be this
provider.

344
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:54,880
You're supposed to be all of
these great things.

345
00:19:54,880 --> 00:19:58,480
Like people sing about you and
this is what you did to me.

346
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,600
Like, why would you do this to
me?

347
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:03,240
You know?
So now this is how I'm going to

348
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:06,040
respond, right?
And then I put the gun up to my

349
00:20:06,040 --> 00:20:13,720
head and and not, no sooner did
I do that, then my brother texts

350
00:20:13,720 --> 00:20:15,720
me.
He says, hey, man.

351
00:20:16,760 --> 00:20:18,080
And.
I don't know why I looked at the

352
00:20:18,080 --> 00:20:19,040
phone.
Honestly.

353
00:20:19,320 --> 00:20:21,360
I don't know why.
Like, if this was me, God and

354
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:22,920
this gun, like, that was my
moment.

355
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:28,280
Yeah.
And he says, hey, man, our

356
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:31,520
location in the city in San
Francisco, it started church on

357
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,200
Sunday and it's been non-stop
prayer and worship.

358
00:20:34,280 --> 00:20:35,840
Nobody wants to leave the
building.

359
00:20:36,320 --> 00:20:37,880
Tomorrow's going to be day 8 of
it.

360
00:20:38,120 --> 00:20:43,040
Do you want to go?
And I had no idea what that was.

361
00:20:43,040 --> 00:20:47,480
Didn't know what it meant, but
before I could even think if I

362
00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:51,600
wanted to, before I could think
anything, I was just overwhelmed

363
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:55,920
by peace.
Like just supremely calm man

364
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:58,160
like.
And here I was like intense,

365
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:02,560
angry, sad, depressed, lost,
like all of the things that

366
00:21:02,560 --> 00:21:07,320
society calls mental disorders.
I had them all in a nice little

367
00:21:07,320 --> 00:21:12,000
box with a bow tie and, and, and
for whatever reason, that box,

368
00:21:12,640 --> 00:21:15,480
it was gone.
That's why I said yes.

369
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:24,240
The next day I get to the city
and this is like from the

370
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,760
beginning of the story of my
life changed from before I was

371
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,640
even born, let's say that.
But this is a pivotal moment

372
00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:32,760
where I knew that I needed to do
things with intention.

373
00:21:34,240 --> 00:21:37,240
I get to the I get to the church
and, you know, upstairs, a

374
00:21:37,240 --> 00:21:40,040
sanctuary downstairs, it's a
prayer room and people are

375
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:42,360
praying, you know, and then
singing songs.

376
00:21:42,360 --> 00:21:46,800
And within the 1st 5 minutes, I
did something I'd never done in

377
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:51,040
my entire life.
Never, not once 1st 5 minutes.

378
00:21:51,040 --> 00:21:55,240
I walked in there and it was one
of those like, Oh yeah, God, OK,

379
00:21:55,240 --> 00:21:57,920
God, that's what I'm going to do
without the dialogue, right?

380
00:21:57,920 --> 00:22:00,280
Like, you know, it was like I
was agreeing to something and I

381
00:22:00,280 --> 00:22:03,480
had no idea what I was agreeing
to, but my, my body kept moving

382
00:22:03,840 --> 00:22:06,400
and I grabbed a mat, put it down
on the floor and I got on my

383
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:11,640
knees and I just began to cry,
like just crying.

384
00:22:11,640 --> 00:22:16,640
I don't know why, but it was
like every tear was

385
00:22:17,240 --> 00:22:22,480
disappointment, every, every,
every like inability to breathe,

386
00:22:22,480 --> 00:22:26,000
every labored breath was like
every time I was betrayed or

387
00:22:26,000 --> 00:22:28,520
every time I was failed.
And like all of the things that

388
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:33,560
I held onto that really kept me
going, you know, like, I mean,

389
00:22:33,560 --> 00:22:36,200
it was even brought to my
recollection that when I was six

390
00:22:36,200 --> 00:22:38,800
years old, I was jumped for the
first time and I held onto that

391
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:42,920
and I didn't know it, right.
Like, but that piece, that piece

392
00:22:42,920 --> 00:22:46,280
that I felt that that kept me
from committing suicide.

393
00:22:48,240 --> 00:22:53,160
It was there times 10 and it was
just just washing on me, man,

394
00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:57,440
like all over me.
And like in that moment, I, I

395
00:22:57,440 --> 00:23:00,160
made a commitment to God and I
again, didn't do all these

396
00:23:00,160 --> 00:23:02,320
things right.
But like it was like I knew he

397
00:23:02,320 --> 00:23:05,640
was there.
I knew it was his voice that you

398
00:23:05,640 --> 00:23:07,320
know, those times where you
think about you're talking to

399
00:23:07,320 --> 00:23:10,520
yourself.
Like I knew that those times

400
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,720
where I'd have those inner
thoughts and like they were

401
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:16,840
really like the right choice.
It was wise, it was loving.

402
00:23:17,040 --> 00:23:19,520
I knew those weren't even my
thoughts, right?

403
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:22,640
I knew it was him trying to
guide me and, and I so in that

404
00:23:22,640 --> 00:23:24,760
moment I said, OK, God, check
this out.

405
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:28,440
You know, I don't get on my
knees like you, you know this

406
00:23:28,600 --> 00:23:31,320
right?
Like I, I grew up thinking, OK,

407
00:23:31,320 --> 00:23:34,200
there's one type of person that
gets on their knees, right?

408
00:23:34,200 --> 00:23:35,640
And it had nothing to do with
prayer.

409
00:23:35,920 --> 00:23:39,720
Let's just say that.
And it's like I'm going to do

410
00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:43,320
this for you, God, like after
living my life saying I would

411
00:23:43,320 --> 00:23:47,640
rather die on my feet then live
on my knees, I am going to live

412
00:23:47,640 --> 00:23:51,000
on my knees for you God.
Like don't know what it looks

413
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:55,080
like, but I know that this is a
moment that my life is

414
00:23:55,080 --> 00:23:56,240
different.
Like I could feel it.

415
00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:59,640
My heart felt open.
I don't know.

416
00:23:59,640 --> 00:24:03,360
I felt like I cared what people
thought even, you know, like

417
00:24:03,480 --> 00:24:06,560
people's opinions never used to
matter to me, you know?

418
00:24:06,560 --> 00:24:11,960
And it's like, it's like he took
that whole series of events, you

419
00:24:11,960 --> 00:24:18,120
know, and, and just showed me
something different, right?

420
00:24:18,120 --> 00:24:23,880
Like I could have never gotten
to that point had I not lost

421
00:24:23,880 --> 00:24:28,920
those specific people, had I not
gone to prison, had I not had

422
00:24:28,920 --> 00:24:30,800
these specific encounters,
right?

423
00:24:31,320 --> 00:24:34,280
It's like I call those like my
mom, my sister, my grandfather,

424
00:24:34,280 --> 00:24:37,080
I call them my pillars, right?
Because the second they were

425
00:24:37,080 --> 00:24:40,000
gone, I knew, I knew what I
leaned on them for.

426
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:42,120
And then I knew they were
immovable when I leaned on them,

427
00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:43,720
that they would allow that,
right?

428
00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:46,080
They would be able to take all
my weight, you know?

429
00:24:47,680 --> 00:24:49,600
But it's like he showed me that
he was the guy that could do

430
00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:53,120
that and then some, right by
himself, right?

431
00:24:54,480 --> 00:24:55,840
So, yeah.
So from that moment, man, I,

432
00:24:55,840 --> 00:25:03,240
I've, I've had this, this
unrelenting desire to, to want

433
00:25:03,240 --> 00:25:09,520
to pray, to want to serve, to
talk to him and just lean on

434
00:25:09,520 --> 00:25:11,240
him.
Like, I mean, there's sometimes

435
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,680
Mick where I'm like, I'll be on
Instagram, right?

436
00:25:14,680 --> 00:25:18,480
And I'll be like, I want to post
something and I'll go, what

437
00:25:18,480 --> 00:25:21,600
should I post?
God, like Holy Spirit, what do

438
00:25:21,600 --> 00:25:23,040
you want me to post?
Right?

439
00:25:23,040 --> 00:25:26,320
Like, and it might sound silly
to people, but I don't know if

440
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:30,360
this whole journey has reminded
me of, of a scripture that my

441
00:25:30,400 --> 00:25:32,160
grandmother gave me.
It's the only one that I, I

442
00:25:32,160 --> 00:25:36,200
clung to and this was when I
when we left when I was 18, life

443
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:40,080
didn't make sense at the time.
She said Proverbs 3 five and

444
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:42,320
six, trust in the Lord with all
your heart.

445
00:25:42,320 --> 00:25:43,960
Lean not into your own
understanding.

446
00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:46,920
In all your ways acknowledge him
and he will make your path

447
00:25:46,920 --> 00:25:49,800
straight.
And it's like I didn't make

448
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:52,200
sense to me because my own
understanding didn't understand

449
00:25:52,200 --> 00:25:57,440
it right, You know, But the
part, the part that says in all

450
00:25:57,440 --> 00:26:01,120
your ways, acknowledge him.
That's the what should I post

451
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,240
today?
God, Hey, God, my when I tie my

452
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:05,400
shoes, should it be over, under,
around and through?

453
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:07,080
Or should it be the loop de
loop, right?

454
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:11,160
Like, like even in the simplest
things in the world, the things

455
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:14,760
that we take for granted, the
things that we just monotonously

456
00:26:14,760 --> 00:26:18,000
robotically do.
Like my grandfather taught me

457
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:22,880
one very important word.
All right, all means excluding

458
00:26:22,920 --> 00:26:26,000
nothing.
So there is not a thing in our

459
00:26:26,000 --> 00:26:28,200
lives according to that
Scripture, and that's Proverbs,

460
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:29,640
right?
So it's proverbial wisdom as

461
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:33,080
well.
There's not a thing that he

462
00:26:33,080 --> 00:26:35,880
should be apart from in our
lives.

463
00:26:35,880 --> 00:26:38,280
We should intentionally want him
there.

464
00:26:38,280 --> 00:26:41,200
We should intentionally want his
advice to inquire and all these

465
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:43,520
things.
Yeah, man.

466
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:48,040
So that's the that's the the
story of how I gotten to this

467
00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:52,920
point.
You know, now I make it my goal,

468
00:26:53,480 --> 00:27:01,200
probably a mission in my life to
steward prayer well, to help

469
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,320
those who might, I don't know,
find themselves in a similar

470
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:09,360
situation, situations that I can
relate to situations even though

471
00:27:09,360 --> 00:27:12,040
it's that I can't, though, like
I think we do ourselves a

472
00:27:12,040 --> 00:27:15,560
disservice by by thinking, OK,
well, I've like for me, right?

473
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:18,840
If someone's talking to me, oh,
well, I've never been to prison.

474
00:27:18,840 --> 00:27:21,440
So I don't know.
Part of me is like, yes, like

475
00:27:21,440 --> 00:27:25,040
you can't tell me what the
experience was like, but if

476
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:29,600
we're leaning on God, he knows
it all right, Like as long as

477
00:27:29,600 --> 00:27:31,760
we're not coming from a, oh, I
would have done this or like,

478
00:27:31,800 --> 00:27:35,000
then you can.
So I think there's a though

479
00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:38,440
there is a unique set of people
that can be reached by certain

480
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:43,880
folks and, and things like that.
I do believe that it's, it's

481
00:27:43,880 --> 00:27:49,200
almost like a duty, right to, to
impact the most people possible

482
00:27:49,200 --> 00:27:51,920
and not to try to put God in a
box, right?

483
00:27:52,080 --> 00:27:54,720
Just because we can be
categorized doesn't mean he can,

484
00:27:55,080 --> 00:27:57,200
right?
He, he's in and through and

485
00:27:57,200 --> 00:27:58,600
above all in categories.
So.

486
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:05,000
Yeah, that's for sure.
Well, in a minute, man, I want

487
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:10,200
to talk a little bit more about
what you're doing today.

488
00:28:10,280 --> 00:28:15,640
But before we get there, let's
rewind a little bit and give us

489
00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:21,800
all a sense for some of your age
as these things are occurring.

490
00:28:21,920 --> 00:28:24,520
Like just so that people can
kind of contextualize some of

491
00:28:24,520 --> 00:28:28,560
this because you've run through
a lot of stuff from age 18.

492
00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:32,720
So like, roughly how old are you
when you're in prison?

493
00:28:33,240 --> 00:28:39,680
And then you know, when, when,
how and, and like how long was

494
00:28:39,680 --> 00:28:43,720
it from Saint Louis back to
Cali?

495
00:28:43,720 --> 00:28:47,320
Like that kind of elapsed time
before you're having that

496
00:28:47,320 --> 00:28:49,920
lamentation moment with God.
Like just give us a little bit

497
00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:53,760
more insight there.
Yeah, so I'm in my, I'm 40 now.

498
00:28:54,720 --> 00:29:00,480
So what's that, 21?
So I got out of prison when I

499
00:29:00,480 --> 00:29:02,160
was 36.
OK.

500
00:29:02,920 --> 00:29:07,120
So I went in at like 30-4.
Yeah, Saint Louis.

501
00:29:07,120 --> 00:29:11,000
I was there for a year, so it
was like 21.

502
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:18,000
I got out 2022 I go to Saint
Louis and then 2023.

503
00:29:18,000 --> 00:29:23,320
At the end of 2023, I come back
to California and it's October

504
00:29:23,720 --> 00:29:29,800
of 23 is when I'm having that.
I'm sorry, no, January of 24 is

505
00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:31,280
when I'm having that
conversation with God.

506
00:29:32,080 --> 00:29:34,480
OK, somewhere around there.
January, February.

507
00:29:34,480 --> 00:29:38,160
I I don't know.
The dates become trivial to me

508
00:29:38,160 --> 00:29:40,960
at at some point, You know where
It's like, I don't worry about

509
00:29:40,960 --> 00:29:42,320
tomorrow and I don't dwell in
the past.

510
00:29:42,320 --> 00:29:45,880
But I should probably keep track
of certain dates, yeah.

511
00:29:46,760 --> 00:29:50,480
Well, everything you provided
was super helpful, man.

512
00:29:50,480 --> 00:29:54,160
And just in terms of, you know,
giving people a sense for for

513
00:29:54,160 --> 00:29:58,560
where you're at with all that.
So I want to acknowledge first

514
00:29:58,560 --> 00:30:03,200
and foremost, man, the losses
that you've described because

515
00:30:03,200 --> 00:30:07,760
those people all do matter.
And clearly, as you described,

516
00:30:08,560 --> 00:30:13,600
God used their losses to show
you his love for you.

517
00:30:14,800 --> 00:30:19,840
But your granddad, your grandma,
your mom, especially in the

518
00:30:19,840 --> 00:30:23,760
tragedy of her loss, your wife
and kids, all of that stuff,

519
00:30:23,760 --> 00:30:26,000
man, I'm I'm sorry for your
loss.

520
00:30:26,400 --> 00:30:28,240
Thank you.
Yeah.

521
00:30:29,880 --> 00:30:34,720
Well, not that long ago in the
grand scheme of things.

522
00:30:34,720 --> 00:30:37,000
You have this conversation with
God.

523
00:30:37,680 --> 00:30:39,680
You get a text from your
brother.

524
00:30:40,280 --> 00:30:46,480
You show up to church the next
day, you are bathed in peace,

525
00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:49,080
washing over you as you
described.

526
00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:55,760
And what happens after?
That what happens after that

527
00:30:55,760 --> 00:31:01,480
man, is I start to take advice
from people I would normally not

528
00:31:01,480 --> 00:31:05,280
talk to.
I start listening to the

529
00:31:05,280 --> 00:31:09,520
pastoral staff at the church
'cause they immediately like

530
00:31:09,560 --> 00:31:11,960
I'm, I'm there, right.
So the second answer to prayer,

531
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:13,560
right?
My brother had been praying that

532
00:31:13,560 --> 00:31:15,720
I would serve with him.
I guess I, I didn't know this,

533
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:16,960
right.
Like you, they have been

534
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:18,680
contending the, the, as a
church.

535
00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:21,760
And so they rallied around me,
man.

536
00:31:23,440 --> 00:31:26,560
So what happened was I, they,
our church has a thing called

537
00:31:26,560 --> 00:31:28,320
defiant disciple.
I think it's called Radiant

538
00:31:28,320 --> 00:31:30,240
Disciple now.
So it's a discipleship thing,

539
00:31:30,240 --> 00:31:32,040
right?
Where, where we walk alongside

540
00:31:32,040 --> 00:31:34,080
each other and stuff.
And, and I had wanted to do this

541
00:31:34,080 --> 00:31:36,240
already just 'cause I thought it
sounded cool, right?

542
00:31:36,240 --> 00:31:40,600
I didn't know what it was, you
know, But I think I get into

543
00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:43,840
that.
I start reading the word, I'm

544
00:31:43,840 --> 00:31:47,760
attending church regularly, you
know, I'm doing all these

545
00:31:47,760 --> 00:31:52,200
things.
And then part of it was out of

546
00:31:52,200 --> 00:31:55,600
gratitude, right?
It wasn't like I was obligated.

547
00:31:55,600 --> 00:31:56,920
I wasn't forced, but it was like
gratitude.

548
00:31:56,920 --> 00:31:59,800
It was like, OK, God, I'm going
to do everything that I can be

549
00:31:59,800 --> 00:32:03,840
near you because you've done so
much for me.

550
00:32:04,920 --> 00:32:07,120
The whole time I was blaming you
for everything.

551
00:32:07,320 --> 00:32:11,880
The whole time I was like, yeah,
kind of, I mean, I guess like

552
00:32:11,880 --> 00:32:15,600
they, they all prodigal, right?
Like, God, you over there, me

553
00:32:15,600 --> 00:32:19,560
over here, we're good, right?
You, you don't cross that line.

554
00:32:19,560 --> 00:32:22,040
I don't cross this line And and
we're fine, right?

555
00:32:23,800 --> 00:32:25,640
So, yeah, I start doing that.
I get baptized.

556
00:32:26,120 --> 00:32:30,000
I had been baptized as young as
a kid, but it was something

557
00:32:30,000 --> 00:32:32,680
different, right?
To to make a conscious decision

558
00:32:33,240 --> 00:32:36,080
to declare for God and confess
that in public.

559
00:32:37,040 --> 00:32:40,960
So I get baptized in the Bay,
not directly underneath, but

560
00:32:41,160 --> 00:32:47,240
under the Golden Gate Bridge.
I do that and and I just start

561
00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:50,640
serving man like it's one of
our, our senior pastor says, you

562
00:32:50,640 --> 00:32:56,280
know, try this for one year.
Do all the things, all of it,

563
00:32:56,520 --> 00:33:00,360
everything you can, you can find
the capacity to do do it and

564
00:33:00,360 --> 00:33:03,400
then see what sticks, because
eventually you'll see that one

565
00:33:03,400 --> 00:33:05,800
of them is meant for you or all
of them are meant for you,

566
00:33:05,800 --> 00:33:08,880
whatever, but you'll find your
lane, I guess you could say, and

567
00:33:09,760 --> 00:33:12,240
and I found mine in prayer.
I mean, I there was the only

568
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:17,880
thing that I couldn't shake, the
only thing like, I could easily

569
00:33:17,880 --> 00:33:21,880
not Bible study if I wanted to.
I could easily not go to church

570
00:33:21,880 --> 00:33:23,920
if I wanted to.
But I can't stop praying, man.

571
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:26,240
I just can't.
Like, and it's never, it's not

572
00:33:26,240 --> 00:33:28,200
always this formal.
Like, OK, I'm gonna get on my

573
00:33:28,200 --> 00:33:29,600
knees.
I'm gonna clasp my hands

574
00:33:30,000 --> 00:33:31,800
sometimes it's like we're
sitting here right now.

575
00:33:31,800 --> 00:33:34,200
And in my head I'm like, OK,
God, what do you want me to say

576
00:33:34,200 --> 00:33:36,560
next?
And and it, you don't see it on

577
00:33:36,560 --> 00:33:39,760
the surface, but you know, and
that's the First Thessalonians

578
00:33:39,760 --> 00:33:41,000
thing, right?
Pray unceasingly.

579
00:33:41,160 --> 00:33:45,240
So contemplative prayer has been
my thing and I was given an

580
00:33:45,240 --> 00:33:48,680
actual prayer to steward prayer.
Well, like I've, I've felt like

581
00:33:48,680 --> 00:33:51,000
that's a part of what he's
calling me to do.

582
00:33:52,600 --> 00:33:57,240
You know, I went on a deep dive
of studies, man, just book after

583
00:33:57,240 --> 00:33:59,160
book after book.
I mean, you could see the books

584
00:33:59,160 --> 00:34:05,520
on my shelf behind me, but most
of it was prayer and like, like,

585
00:34:05,520 --> 00:34:08,639
and it was just encounters after
that, man, Like I had one really

586
00:34:08,639 --> 00:34:12,880
amazing encounter.
You ever see how often do you

587
00:34:12,880 --> 00:34:15,000
see buffering on your YouTube
these days?

588
00:34:16,080 --> 00:34:18,159
Very rarely.
Very rarely, right?

589
00:34:18,920 --> 00:34:23,960
So I go through a season of, OK,
I want to know the Holy Spirit

590
00:34:24,480 --> 00:34:27,520
and I want to know how he talks
and I want to know all of these

591
00:34:27,520 --> 00:34:30,080
different things, right?
So I start watching sermons.

592
00:34:30,600 --> 00:34:34,199
I asked my brother for different
people that are maybe

593
00:34:34,199 --> 00:34:38,280
authorities in, in the area of
prayer and, and like people that

594
00:34:38,280 --> 00:34:40,199
are authorities and just a few
different things.

595
00:34:40,639 --> 00:34:42,080
And so I start watching their
videos.

596
00:34:42,840 --> 00:34:46,080
He gives me a book by Paul
Yongicho, the Holy Spirit, my

597
00:34:46,080 --> 00:34:48,760
senior partner.
I read that and then I'm like,

598
00:34:48,760 --> 00:34:50,520
OK, yeah, we're he, we're on to
something.

599
00:34:51,719 --> 00:34:56,480
So I spend 2 full days and, and
I'm talking almost 4848

600
00:34:56,480 --> 00:34:58,600
continuous hours watching
YouTube.

601
00:34:58,600 --> 00:35:02,080
Like I just couldn't sleep.
I couldn't get enough fall

602
00:35:02,080 --> 00:35:04,200
asleep.
The next morning, I've got my

603
00:35:04,200 --> 00:35:06,320
notebooks still sitting at my
desk, right?

604
00:35:06,320 --> 00:35:08,240
And I'm like, OK, I'm going to
get back to it.

605
00:35:09,240 --> 00:35:14,120
I go to play buffering, go to
play buffering, go to play the

606
00:35:14,120 --> 00:35:17,120
next buffering, go to play
anything else that has nothing

607
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:19,320
related to him.
Everything plays without a

608
00:35:19,320 --> 00:35:21,680
problem.
I mean, I could have, I could

609
00:35:21,680 --> 00:35:23,800
have looked up adult videos and
I bet you they would have

610
00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:26,880
played, but these, these ones
wouldn't play.

611
00:35:27,240 --> 00:35:30,400
And so I sat there and I in my
WTF moment, right?

612
00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:33,840
Like, like, like, come on, God,
like I'm, I'm trying to learn

613
00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:37,440
here, right?
And I hear very clearly, just

614
00:35:38,160 --> 00:35:43,320
not an audible voice, but this
overwhelming inner dialogue

615
00:35:43,320 --> 00:35:46,040
where I knew it wasn't me
because I'm I'm complaining.

616
00:35:46,280 --> 00:35:48,880
I can't complain and give myself
advice at the same time.

617
00:35:48,880 --> 00:35:53,160
I can't, right.
And, and, and this I hear God

618
00:35:53,160 --> 00:35:56,240
say you've learned enough from
them.

619
00:35:56,760 --> 00:36:01,160
Let me teach you myself right
on.

620
00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:05,760
You know, and I don't think I've
looked up a sermon since.

621
00:36:07,880 --> 00:36:10,160
I don't think I've looked up a
video of any of that sense.

622
00:36:11,840 --> 00:36:15,640
Yeah, I've just been walking
along and and learning what he's

623
00:36:15,640 --> 00:36:21,960
showing me.
And then it led me into a bunch

624
00:36:21,960 --> 00:36:24,200
of things that probably don't
even did.

625
00:36:24,200 --> 00:36:26,600
I don't even know if I still
don't want to do it or not.

626
00:36:26,600 --> 00:36:29,480
But I know I've been resistant
to the entire time.

627
00:36:31,600 --> 00:36:32,600
And one of them's, one of
them's.

628
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:35,000
What we're doing here is
podcasting, man.

629
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:37,880
I don't.
It's the funniest thing when you

630
00:36:37,880 --> 00:36:39,800
know, when you don't like the
sound of your own voice.

631
00:36:40,040 --> 00:36:41,880
You don't feel like you look
cool enough.

632
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:43,640
You don't feel like, like, you
know what?

633
00:36:43,640 --> 00:36:45,680
You don't feel like you got the
words for these things.

634
00:36:48,320 --> 00:36:52,000
That was me.
Sometimes it is still me.

635
00:36:52,720 --> 00:36:54,600
And you know, he talks to me
through that too.

636
00:36:54,600 --> 00:37:00,800
But like, as a convict coming to
California, it's great now.

637
00:37:00,800 --> 00:37:03,520
My soul is refreshed.
My heart is full.

638
00:37:04,400 --> 00:37:06,000
Yeah.
My pockets are still turned out

639
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:09,120
inside out, you know, like, and
it's the most expensive state in

640
00:37:09,120 --> 00:37:10,560
the country.
Like, how does that make any

641
00:37:10,560 --> 00:37:15,040
sense?
So I go through a season of God.

642
00:37:15,040 --> 00:37:20,720
I need a job like, like I need a
job like, if this has to happen,

643
00:37:20,720 --> 00:37:24,040
you know, I said one caveat, You
know, when you talk about we

644
00:37:24,040 --> 00:37:27,480
want it our way, we try to make
God my caveat.

645
00:37:27,480 --> 00:37:31,040
I I felt like you couldn't be
better than that, right?

646
00:37:31,040 --> 00:37:33,480
I said one caveat.
I don't want it to get in the

647
00:37:33,480 --> 00:37:37,440
way with what I'm doing for you.
Like I don't like I, I really

648
00:37:37,440 --> 00:37:39,600
enjoy seeing people's lives
changed.

649
00:37:39,600 --> 00:37:41,880
I really enjoy well how I feel
about it.

650
00:37:41,880 --> 00:37:44,680
I really enjoy remembering the
gratitude for what he's done in

651
00:37:44,680 --> 00:37:49,320
my life.
And so one day I'm, I'm on the

652
00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:52,440
Internet and I'm looking for
jobs and I'm talking to him.

653
00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:54,040
I'm like, I need a job, God.
I need a job God.

654
00:37:54,840 --> 00:37:56,400
Yeah.
Podcasting comes up.

655
00:37:57,200 --> 00:37:59,440
Scroll past it, 'cause it's just
like an ad, right?

656
00:37:59,600 --> 00:38:02,840
Go on my Instagram, the next ad
comes up podcasting.

657
00:38:03,320 --> 00:38:05,360
What is this?
Go back on the Internet on my

658
00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:08,480
computer, Riverside, what are we
doing here?

659
00:38:08,480 --> 00:38:14,360
Like God, I need a job like like
this is there's no money in that

660
00:38:14,360 --> 00:38:18,880
Like I need a job now, you know,
and he won't let he won't let

661
00:38:18,880 --> 00:38:21,360
up.
So, so I'm sitting there, I'm

662
00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:25,160
one night kind of one of those
like, OK, God, if I were to do

663
00:38:25,160 --> 00:38:26,880
this, like, what does it look
like moments, right?

664
00:38:28,120 --> 00:38:32,280
And just like everything that
he's been calling me to lately,

665
00:38:32,720 --> 00:38:34,520
it's one of those like, you've
already got it written.

666
00:38:35,160 --> 00:38:36,440
I'm like, what are you talking
about?

667
00:38:36,680 --> 00:38:37,880
Right.
Yeah.

668
00:38:37,880 --> 00:38:40,840
And so I'm going through my
phone and almost like in sort of

669
00:38:40,840 --> 00:38:43,120
a glitchy way, right.
I, I wasn't trying to open up my

670
00:38:43,120 --> 00:38:45,440
journal on my iPhone.
I was just kind of messing with

671
00:38:45,440 --> 00:38:47,360
stuff.
My journal pops open, right?

672
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:53,480
And it's all these different
notes about prayer and life and

673
00:38:53,600 --> 00:38:55,720
scripture and all of these
different things.

674
00:38:55,720 --> 00:39:01,800
And and I say, this is what you
want me to talk about, like then

675
00:39:01,800 --> 00:39:05,000
I'm even more resistant because
I'm like, I'm not, I'm not

676
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:08,520
qualified for this, right?
Like this is my moment where

677
00:39:08,520 --> 00:39:11,000
I'm, and I still do this every
once in a blue moon, but it's

678
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,840
very rare now.
But I'd say, God, I didn't go to

679
00:39:13,840 --> 00:39:15,520
seminary.
I haven't been walking with you

680
00:39:15,520 --> 00:39:18,200
for 20 years.
Like find somebody else.

681
00:39:18,200 --> 00:39:20,560
Like I'll give them these notes
and then they can do it.

682
00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:23,200
Like, and then I will have
washed my hands of it, right?

683
00:39:23,200 --> 00:39:26,240
And I'll keep serving and he
just will not let up.

684
00:39:26,880 --> 00:39:32,760
So I buy a microphone slowly,
slowly but surely, right, Buy a

685
00:39:32,760 --> 00:39:40,160
microphone, begin to record,
begin to kind of manicure the

686
00:39:40,160 --> 00:39:43,120
outlines a little bit, you know,
'cause it's just teachings,

687
00:39:43,120 --> 00:39:45,360
right?
So I'm OK and you know, if I add

688
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:47,960
a little testimony here, like
that's cool.

689
00:39:48,200 --> 00:39:51,600
And you know, Revelations 22
power the testimony in the blood

690
00:39:51,600 --> 00:39:54,960
of the Lamb, right?
So that's what saves.

691
00:39:55,400 --> 00:39:59,840
So that's where I'm like, OK,
I'm guess I'm serving you doing

692
00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:01,520
this to God.
Still unsure.

693
00:40:02,320 --> 00:40:08,400
So I record a bunch, edit a
bunch and I still can't stand

694
00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:14,520
the way I sound.
I'm I am so hesitant to push any

695
00:40:14,520 --> 00:40:17,800
publish button, man.
I'm like, there's no way like

696
00:40:17,800 --> 00:40:20,760
God again, I'm questioning him
again more, more.

697
00:40:22,480 --> 00:40:25,680
And then one day he asked.
He says something to me that.

698
00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:29,920
I'll never forget it and and I
share this as advice with people

699
00:40:29,920 --> 00:40:36,200
all the time now, right.
And it's like to question your

700
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:39,640
qualification for a call is to
question the one that qualified

701
00:40:39,640 --> 00:40:44,480
you, right?
And it's like he already said I

702
00:40:44,480 --> 00:40:47,600
was a a person that was supposed
to do us a thing, right?

703
00:40:47,800 --> 00:40:52,000
And I'm over here like no, God,
you must have meant the other

704
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:53,920
guy over there like you.
You couldn't have meant me.

705
00:40:53,920 --> 00:40:56,440
You must have meant that he
there's people that kind of look

706
00:40:56,440 --> 00:40:58,760
like me, you know, maybe my
cousin, he's a pastor, right?

707
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:00,240
My little brother, he's a pastor
too.

708
00:41:00,240 --> 00:41:06,760
Like there's and like he starts
to download like everything,

709
00:41:06,760 --> 00:41:08,200
right?
So you go through the questions

710
00:41:08,200 --> 00:41:10,280
like when you started yours,
right?

711
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:12,280
Like, OK, what am I going to
call it?

712
00:41:12,520 --> 00:41:15,720
How am I going to do this?
How aren't, man, let me tell

713
00:41:15,720 --> 00:41:18,040
you.
So a small period of my life, I,

714
00:41:19,760 --> 00:41:23,720
I fancied doing music.
I still do, but I had, I, I was

715
00:41:23,720 --> 00:41:25,680
working with some producers and
they had a bunch of different

716
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:27,560
beats.
I'm like, oh, cool.

717
00:41:27,560 --> 00:41:29,680
I got intro music.
I got theme music.

718
00:41:29,680 --> 00:41:32,840
I got all this stuff.
I ended up using this, this beat

719
00:41:32,840 --> 00:41:35,080
that my nephew sent me as my
intro intro music.

720
00:41:35,080 --> 00:41:37,760
It's the one that God chose.
It's like, it's so crazy.

721
00:41:38,200 --> 00:41:40,000
When I was talking about what's
what, what's this going to be

722
00:41:40,000 --> 00:41:42,400
about?
That's where everything was

723
00:41:42,400 --> 00:41:47,720
like, OK, it got scarier, right?
Never mind not liking the sound

724
00:41:47,720 --> 00:41:54,560
of my own voice.
Attack pride, declare war on

725
00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:58,480
pride, Right?
Like what do you mean?

726
00:41:58,760 --> 00:42:02,200
And then he brought back all of
the thoughts of, of, of who I

727
00:42:02,200 --> 00:42:05,880
was before, before the person
sitting here today, before God

728
00:42:05,880 --> 00:42:09,080
humbled me.
Man, I was so arrogant.

729
00:42:09,360 --> 00:42:11,720
If it was a competition and who
could be the most humble?

730
00:42:11,720 --> 00:42:13,960
I would stand on top of a
mountain, say I'm the most

731
00:42:13,960 --> 00:42:18,240
humble and not realize that that
was arrogant at all.

732
00:42:18,600 --> 00:42:20,280
Be like, I can do humble so much
better than you.

733
00:42:20,280 --> 00:42:24,720
Like, stop it, right?
Like, so he shows me this and

734
00:42:24,720 --> 00:42:29,120
then he starts showing me like
in videos that I see in in

735
00:42:29,280 --> 00:42:31,480
conversations, I see in people
walking around, right?

736
00:42:32,000 --> 00:42:36,360
I see that pride is running the
world, right?

737
00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:38,280
Like everything is like in
competition.

738
00:42:38,280 --> 00:42:40,080
That's pride, right?
Because we want to be the

739
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:42,720
winner, right?
Hey, look at me, right?

740
00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:47,080
There's so many things and then
you've got an entire community,

741
00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:50,840
right, of people that call
themselves that and then use his

742
00:42:50,840 --> 00:42:53,720
covenant as their flag.
Like, so it's everywhere.

743
00:42:54,320 --> 00:42:58,040
And I'm like, OK, God, we could
talk about how you humbled me.

744
00:42:58,440 --> 00:43:00,960
We could probably lead some
people to the the level of peace

745
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:03,680
that I have in this way.
That's cool, right?

746
00:43:04,040 --> 00:43:06,920
What are we going to call it?
Right?

747
00:43:06,920 --> 00:43:08,920
He goes, well, what do people
call you?

748
00:43:09,840 --> 00:43:12,200
I was like, I don't know.
People used to call me scumbag

749
00:43:12,280 --> 00:43:15,040
lowlife dirtbag.
And he's like that one.

750
00:43:15,320 --> 00:43:18,520
And I'm like, dirtbag.
He's like, no.

751
00:43:19,240 --> 00:43:21,240
And then he starts showing me
all these scriptures about how

752
00:43:21,240 --> 00:43:24,360
being low, right?
Like Jesus, Jesus, even though

753
00:43:24,360 --> 00:43:28,640
he was God, came down born of a
virgin in the form of a man and

754
00:43:28,640 --> 00:43:31,360
took up the low position of a
servant, right?

755
00:43:31,720 --> 00:43:35,760
Jesus himself says, take up,
take up my yoke and learn from

756
00:43:35,760 --> 00:43:38,600
me, right?
For I am lowly and I am gentle,

757
00:43:38,920 --> 00:43:43,960
right?
And so I'm like lowlife God's

758
00:43:43,960 --> 00:43:46,960
like, yeah, like that's what
you're going to call it because

759
00:43:46,960 --> 00:43:50,480
it means so much, right?
Like it, it means who it's, it's

760
00:43:50,480 --> 00:43:53,080
a label you used to use.
And it's a way that I want you

761
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:55,960
to live.
And this is going to help

762
00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:58,440
people, right?
And it's like, it'll satisfy

763
00:43:58,440 --> 00:44:02,520
every desire I have to help.
It'll satisfy this and that and

764
00:44:02,520 --> 00:44:04,480
like, and, and and it'll give
him glory.

765
00:44:06,760 --> 00:44:12,040
And so again, still resistant.
I make all of the things, but he

766
00:44:12,040 --> 00:44:13,560
gave me the entire framework,
man.

767
00:44:15,520 --> 00:44:20,040
It wasn't until my now my
girlfriend now until she

768
00:44:20,200 --> 00:44:22,240
listened to it and was all like,
enamoured by it.

769
00:44:24,640 --> 00:44:26,080
It was enough.
I guess there was a little bit

770
00:44:26,080 --> 00:44:28,560
of ego still there, you know?
So I was like, OK, fine, I'll.

771
00:44:28,600 --> 00:44:30,000
I'll.
I'll publish it.

772
00:44:30,200 --> 00:44:31,360
I'll publish it.
Right.

773
00:44:31,800 --> 00:44:33,600
But what's happened since then,
man?

774
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:36,160
Yeah.
What's happened since then?

775
00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:39,640
It's been nothing short of God
confirming that this is what he

776
00:44:39,640 --> 00:44:43,280
wanted every step of the way,
man.

777
00:44:43,720 --> 00:44:47,880
Like I, I'm getting ready to
yeah, I'm getting ready right

778
00:44:47,880 --> 00:44:51,680
now to to do season 2.
But I've already got that all

779
00:44:51,960 --> 00:44:54,800
it's been written.
It's been now, mind you, not

780
00:44:54,800 --> 00:44:57,680
scripted, just outlined.
These are what I talk about

781
00:44:57,880 --> 00:45:02,920
because the first season was all
just solo teachings,

782
00:45:02,920 --> 00:45:07,800
testimonies, scripture.
There will be more of that in

783
00:45:07,800 --> 00:45:10,440
between there.
I've done interviews, had you

784
00:45:10,440 --> 00:45:14,400
there, right, and then had great
conversations with people to see

785
00:45:14,400 --> 00:45:18,400
that surrender was what what
changed their lives, right?

786
00:45:18,720 --> 00:45:20,920
Coming low before God is what
changed their lives.

787
00:45:21,080 --> 00:45:23,560
There's not a person that I've
spoken to that didn't say that

788
00:45:23,560 --> 00:45:27,040
it took them a moment where they
had to intentionally surrender

789
00:45:27,040 --> 00:45:30,160
to God.
And So what happened?

790
00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:38,320
Was I again looking for a job?
I don't know why he keeps using

791
00:45:38,320 --> 00:45:39,560
that.
That is like the thing, man.

792
00:45:39,560 --> 00:45:43,040
Like every time I'm looking for
a job, he he shows me another

793
00:45:43,040 --> 00:45:47,680
way to serve like, so I'm
looking for a job.

794
00:45:47,680 --> 00:45:57,400
And this time I come across it
was like an ad about tablets in

795
00:45:57,400 --> 00:46:00,360
prisons and jails and stuff.
And I'm like, Oh yeah, that's

796
00:46:00,360 --> 00:46:02,160
right.
Right before I left, they had

797
00:46:02,160 --> 00:46:04,480
those right before I left.
I'm sorry, right after I left,

798
00:46:04,520 --> 00:46:05,840
they had those.
We didn't get them.

799
00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:08,240
They were there was just like a
myth on the yard when I was

800
00:46:08,240 --> 00:46:10,200
there still.
It was like, Oh yeah, they got

801
00:46:10,200 --> 00:46:11,560
tablets.
Do you know in California,

802
00:46:11,880 --> 00:46:14,600
everybody has a tablet.
Like it was the thing, right,

803
00:46:15,400 --> 00:46:17,040
But I didn't know what you could
look at on there.

804
00:46:17,360 --> 00:46:21,520
So I see that and I'm, I think
in a just a random conversation,

805
00:46:21,520 --> 00:46:25,840
I'm talking to somebody about
the podcast and they go, did you

806
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:27,040
guys get to watch those in
prison?

807
00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:28,560
Did you listen to that when you
were locked up?

808
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:32,560
And I'm like, Oh no, I mean,
they got tablets now, but it

809
00:46:32,840 --> 00:46:36,880
caused me to dive in and look
right.

810
00:46:37,280 --> 00:46:41,720
And again, little seeds
everywhere, man.

811
00:46:41,720 --> 00:46:46,520
And, and so I, I find out the
four major distributors can't

812
00:46:47,720 --> 00:46:50,440
remember all of their names
anyways, but it ended up being

813
00:46:50,440 --> 00:46:53,960
two, the first two, just
something happened, but

814
00:46:54,960 --> 00:46:59,000
obviously we know what happened.
That was not the right one, not

815
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:01,120
even in my opinion.
But it came down to two.

816
00:47:01,120 --> 00:47:03,400
One of them was who I work with
now, Edovo.

817
00:47:03,960 --> 00:47:07,680
The other one was Peloton,
believe it or not, they own

818
00:47:08,160 --> 00:47:11,240
distributing rights for, I think
they're the largest owner of it.

819
00:47:12,120 --> 00:47:16,920
So I send emails out to the both
of them and it's so funny 'cause

820
00:47:16,920 --> 00:47:19,120
I'm like, in my mind, I'm like,
oh God, let it be Peloton.

821
00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:21,800
They're huge.
This is going to be big right

822
00:47:22,320 --> 00:47:25,280
ego again though, because part
of me was like, in my mind I

823
00:47:25,280 --> 00:47:27,200
think I was like, I'm going to
be a star.

824
00:47:27,200 --> 00:47:29,520
This is going to be dope.
Yeah, I'm going to talk about

825
00:47:29,520 --> 00:47:31,000
you, God, for sure.
Don't worry about that.

826
00:47:31,160 --> 00:47:33,120
But people are going to know who
I am, right?

827
00:47:33,280 --> 00:47:40,120
And and so I have the the emails
sent out when they come back,

828
00:47:42,040 --> 00:47:47,840
one of them is Peloton.
And I look at their e-mail and

829
00:47:47,840 --> 00:47:52,120
they're inquiring about me
helping with an initiative, how

830
00:47:52,120 --> 00:47:56,400
I could contribute to an
initiative that services the

831
00:47:56,400 --> 00:48:01,320
Pride community.
And that was God's way of

832
00:48:01,320 --> 00:48:04,920
smacking me in the face and
saying stop it, right?

833
00:48:04,920 --> 00:48:10,000
Because he's called me to speak
out against pride.

834
00:48:10,520 --> 00:48:13,760
And even that, I mean, that's
the, the entire community is

835
00:48:13,760 --> 00:48:15,800
called pride.
It's not about be hating people.

836
00:48:16,400 --> 00:48:18,600
It's about just showing like,
these are the things that God

837
00:48:18,680 --> 00:48:21,520
doesn't like.
And when we don't do those

838
00:48:21,520 --> 00:48:23,800
things, this is the piece that
he gives, right?

839
00:48:23,800 --> 00:48:25,680
It's kind of one of those deals,
right?

840
00:48:25,680 --> 00:48:29,680
And and so I'm like, OK, God,
not that that's cool.

841
00:48:30,560 --> 00:48:34,040
Bummed, super bummed.
Like I was happy in the respect

842
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:38,240
that I didn't I would never be a
part of that initiative just

843
00:48:38,240 --> 00:48:41,040
because it's not something that
got on the others.

844
00:48:41,040 --> 00:48:44,680
What is it?
6 things got to test 7 lying

845
00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:48,480
lips, haughty eyes, like pride.
He doesn't like like he flat out

846
00:48:48,480 --> 00:48:50,560
doesn't like it.
You know, people will say, oh,

847
00:48:50,560 --> 00:48:52,680
well, you know, hate the sin,
love the Sinner.

848
00:48:52,720 --> 00:48:56,360
Yeah, that's great.
But if you're actively doing it

849
00:48:56,360 --> 00:48:59,680
and you know that he doesn't
like it, then you're just taking

850
00:48:59,680 --> 00:49:02,440
God for granted and thinking
that he's not the same God that

851
00:49:02,440 --> 00:49:04,720
mowed down 100,000 people in a
snap of a finger.

852
00:49:05,400 --> 00:49:07,360
You know?
Like it's there has to be a

853
00:49:07,360 --> 00:49:10,760
level of reverence for, for his
power, not just what he can do

854
00:49:10,760 --> 00:49:13,080
for us, right?
We always look at it like that

855
00:49:13,080 --> 00:49:15,840
as people.
Oh yeah, God's so good because

856
00:49:15,840 --> 00:49:19,560
he gave me what?
He gave you something and then

857
00:49:19,560 --> 00:49:21,680
so now your prayer life is
Gimme, Gimme, Gimme.

858
00:49:22,080 --> 00:49:25,600
No, that's not the God like we
have to enter into his presence

859
00:49:25,600 --> 00:49:28,560
with reverence, awe and fear and
trembling.

860
00:49:28,560 --> 00:49:32,800
And for me, the easiest way for
me to do that is to remember

861
00:49:32,800 --> 00:49:35,560
that he's also the God of old
because he's the same yesterday,

862
00:49:35,880 --> 00:49:38,760
today and forever.
People tend to forget that man

863
00:49:39,800 --> 00:49:44,480
the same, right?
So Edovo schedules an interview,

864
00:49:44,880 --> 00:49:46,520
right?
Let's talk about becoming

865
00:49:46,520 --> 00:49:49,960
content partners and uploading
your podcasts on the platform

866
00:49:49,960 --> 00:49:52,040
and all this.
I'm nervous.

867
00:49:52,920 --> 00:49:57,400
I am nervous at this point.
I'm like, God, I, I still don't

868
00:49:57,400 --> 00:49:59,720
have a job, right?
Because I started doing

869
00:49:59,720 --> 00:50:02,880
research.
There's fees and it's expensive.

870
00:50:03,320 --> 00:50:09,200
It's expensive to get published.
And so right before the meeting,

871
00:50:10,320 --> 00:50:14,440
I did one of my, you know, OK,
maybe I'm just tripping, right

872
00:50:14,560 --> 00:50:16,920
moments.
And then and, and I said, I

873
00:50:16,920 --> 00:50:20,880
said, God, if this is you, look,
I don't have any money.

874
00:50:21,520 --> 00:50:25,160
You got to make this easy, like
figure this out or like, you

875
00:50:25,160 --> 00:50:27,320
know, dump a bag of money in my
lap or something.

876
00:50:27,320 --> 00:50:30,000
But like, if this is supposed to
happen, like it, it can't be

877
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,040
anything, right?
Here's what's funny.

878
00:50:32,120 --> 00:50:35,560
The day before that we had a
prayer meeting and I asked for

879
00:50:35,560 --> 00:50:37,400
prayer for that.
I said, hey guys, I've got this

880
00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:39,440
podcast interview coming.
I need prayer for this.

881
00:50:41,120 --> 00:50:44,600
One of my sisters goes, I just,
I got a word for you.

882
00:50:45,440 --> 00:50:50,320
It's actually 2 words God is
saying stand still and in the

883
00:50:50,320 --> 00:50:53,760
moment she said that I heard in
my head and watch how I do this.

884
00:50:55,640 --> 00:50:57,320
Whoo, look at the hairs on my
arms standing up.

885
00:50:57,320 --> 00:51:00,880
This is crazy.
So I, I go, I'm in the interview

886
00:51:00,880 --> 00:51:05,200
and I'm like introducing myself
to this person the whole time in

887
00:51:05,200 --> 00:51:06,440
my mind.
I'm like, what are they going to

888
00:51:06,440 --> 00:51:07,760
charge me?
What are you going to charge me?

889
00:51:07,760 --> 00:51:11,240
It's going to be crazy
immediately, almost within

890
00:51:11,240 --> 00:51:14,200
probably a minute and a half of
of opening the session, right?

891
00:51:14,600 --> 00:51:16,720
She goes, and don't worry about
any of the publishing fees.

892
00:51:16,720 --> 00:51:18,760
We're waiving all of them
because you did time and you're

893
00:51:18,880 --> 00:51:21,120
and you're coming back to help
people that are doing time.

894
00:51:21,560 --> 00:51:24,160
Like you have paid enough.
You paid your debt to society.

895
00:51:24,320 --> 00:51:32,880
You've paid for publishing.
I'm like, hold on, God, you're

896
00:51:32,880 --> 00:51:37,240
using time that I thought was
lost as currency to pay for

897
00:51:37,240 --> 00:51:42,160
something that I'm worried about
paying for and all I had to do.

898
00:51:43,040 --> 00:51:45,160
We'll stand still and watch how
he does it, man.

899
00:51:47,040 --> 00:51:49,320
Oh, shoot, it's so crazy.
Those are tears of joy that time

900
00:51:49,640 --> 00:51:51,280
praise.
God, man, absolutely.

901
00:51:52,440 --> 00:51:55,160
Yeah, but that's what I'm doing
now, man.

902
00:51:56,200 --> 00:51:59,600
I also serve with you version as
a spiritual support trainer.

903
00:51:59,960 --> 00:52:05,120
I teach people how to pray, pray
for people online.

904
00:52:06,240 --> 00:52:08,360
Yeah, again, that one was, I was
looking for a job there too.

905
00:52:08,640 --> 00:52:14,360
Like every area that I serve in,
I make not a dime, but.

906
00:52:14,360 --> 00:52:16,960
But that's God's response to me
needing a job.

907
00:52:17,240 --> 00:52:22,920
Now, granted, lately he's been
so gracious when I stopped

908
00:52:22,920 --> 00:52:25,000
asking and I just keep doing
what I do.

909
00:52:26,080 --> 00:52:30,520
I literally like I was telling
my brother this yesterday, you

910
00:52:30,520 --> 00:52:32,400
know, everyone gave me this
advice like, yeah, man, you

911
00:52:32,400 --> 00:52:34,320
know, you should do this or you
should do that.

912
00:52:34,320 --> 00:52:37,040
And I'm like, in my mind and out
loud sometimes I'd be like, have

913
00:52:37,040 --> 00:52:40,200
you ever been a convict and
brown in California?

914
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:44,120
You know, like, oh, no, you
know, I just not to make it that

915
00:52:44,120 --> 00:52:45,240
way.
But there's, it's a real thing,

916
00:52:45,280 --> 00:52:46,440
right?
Like, yeah.

917
00:52:46,440 --> 00:52:51,160
And so I stopped listening to
those, their advice.

918
00:52:51,160 --> 00:52:53,520
I didn't take it right.
And it wasn't that I didn't

919
00:52:53,520 --> 00:52:55,520
value it.
It was just like, I've been down

920
00:52:55,520 --> 00:52:59,400
that road a million times and
been sent home without my lunch,

921
00:53:00,080 --> 00:53:05,040
you know?
And so he's been so gracious

922
00:53:05,040 --> 00:53:11,160
when I by not asking.
I have a job, it's remote, it

923
00:53:11,160 --> 00:53:15,120
pays well.
Yeah.

924
00:53:15,680 --> 00:53:19,560
And in and the best part, it
doesn't get in any way, shape or

925
00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:22,960
form doesn't interfere with my
service to him at all.

926
00:53:24,160 --> 00:53:25,680
At all.
All.

927
00:53:25,680 --> 00:53:28,720
The things you were asking for.
Everything, man.

928
00:53:28,720 --> 00:53:34,000
Even even even my lady, like her
characteristics are things that

929
00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:38,600
like, I look back, man, these
are things that I've asked for

930
00:53:38,600 --> 00:53:41,400
at different times in my life,
embodied in one person.

931
00:53:42,680 --> 00:53:49,360
Like he does not disappoint like
at all at all.

932
00:53:49,720 --> 00:53:53,640
You know, like it's, we think so
sometimes right when we're down

933
00:53:53,640 --> 00:53:55,840
in the dumps.
But he does not disappoint.

934
00:53:56,200 --> 00:54:00,480
Everything I've asked for in my
heart, everything that I've

935
00:54:00,480 --> 00:54:05,440
known I've wanted that would
still be good for me today, He's

936
00:54:05,440 --> 00:54:10,240
given me, you know, and now I'm
like, I live a life where I'm

937
00:54:10,240 --> 00:54:14,840
like, God, if you do nothing
else, you're so worthy of all of

938
00:54:14,840 --> 00:54:17,400
my service, all of my praise,
all of my thanks.

939
00:54:17,880 --> 00:54:20,960
You are still worthy of it even
if you do nothing else.

940
00:54:20,960 --> 00:54:24,800
Shoot, you could have stopped at
sending Jesus and I'm grateful

941
00:54:24,800 --> 00:54:27,640
enough.
But he doesn't stop there.

942
00:54:29,040 --> 00:54:32,720
All we got to do is let him do
his thing, right?

943
00:54:33,160 --> 00:54:36,480
I think too often we try to.
I almost, almost play God in our

944
00:54:36,480 --> 00:54:38,560
own lives.
That's what I did, You know, I

945
00:54:38,560 --> 00:54:43,760
was a God to myself probably
like literally, I probably

946
00:54:43,760 --> 00:54:48,240
thought I could do things that
that only a supernatural thing

947
00:54:48,240 --> 00:54:50,280
could do.
You know, I'm like, OK, worship

948
00:54:50,280 --> 00:54:55,000
me peasants, you know?
But yeah, man, that's where I'm

949
00:54:55,000 --> 00:54:57,760
at now.
Just continuing to do that,

950
00:54:57,760 --> 00:55:00,680
continuing to walk into
whatever's next.

951
00:55:01,960 --> 00:55:06,480
The next chapter right now is
Prison Fellowship, working as a

952
00:55:06,480 --> 00:55:11,800
justice ambassador.
Yeah, man, I think, I think I

953
00:55:11,800 --> 00:55:13,720
see the, the area God wants me
in.

954
00:55:15,880 --> 00:55:19,880
And it's, you know, the funniest
thing is this is how I know,

955
00:55:19,920 --> 00:55:21,600
like people say, this is how you
know what you're calling.

956
00:55:21,600 --> 00:55:23,360
This is how you know you're
supposed to do this, right.

957
00:55:23,720 --> 00:55:28,880
I didn't want anything to do
with the prison demographic in

958
00:55:28,880 --> 00:55:31,320
any way, shape or form.
I didn't want to because I felt

959
00:55:31,320 --> 00:55:32,560
like I could do something
different.

960
00:55:33,000 --> 00:55:35,800
People in the church would be
like, hey, yeah, you could work

961
00:55:35,800 --> 00:55:37,880
outreach and you could relate to
these people.

962
00:55:37,880 --> 00:55:41,760
And I'm like, yeah, but I could
also, you know, in my mind, like

963
00:55:41,760 --> 00:55:45,520
I could also be AI don't know,
we'll say pastor, right?

964
00:55:45,560 --> 00:55:48,360
I could also be a pastor of this
mega church instead, right?

965
00:55:48,360 --> 00:55:51,080
Like, you know, there was always
something else in.

966
00:55:51,080 --> 00:55:54,800
And I mean, if you look at it,
it's like prayer in prisoners.

967
00:55:54,800 --> 00:55:58,080
It's setting people free, you
know, the end of the day.

968
00:55:58,640 --> 00:56:01,560
So just doing my best to be
obedient brother.

969
00:56:01,560 --> 00:56:06,840
I yeah, praise God to y'all.
Praise God, man.

970
00:56:08,840 --> 00:56:11,880
Well, we land the plane here on
when you look with two

971
00:56:11,880 --> 00:56:14,480
questions.
But before we get to those, I've

972
00:56:14,480 --> 00:56:18,880
got one other one for you.
Way back at the beginning of our

973
00:56:18,880 --> 00:56:24,200
conversation, you talked about
kind of having awareness of God,

974
00:56:25,840 --> 00:56:30,240
Scripture, all that, but no
relationship.

975
00:56:32,400 --> 00:56:36,400
Sounds like from everything
you've described, there's plenty

976
00:56:36,400 --> 00:56:41,280
of relationship.
Contrast those for us, the

977
00:56:41,280 --> 00:56:43,520
knowing.
Of.

978
00:56:44,320 --> 00:56:51,200
But not the knowing.
In relationship with God for

979
00:56:51,200 --> 00:56:55,600
you, for me, I, I, I could look
at it like, let's make it real

980
00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:58,360
for people, right?
Think about this.

981
00:56:59,720 --> 00:57:03,720
You're a kid.
You've got a dad.

982
00:57:04,440 --> 00:57:07,920
All he does is throw money and
gifts at you, right?

983
00:57:09,160 --> 00:57:13,560
That's it.
There's no, no hello every day.

984
00:57:13,560 --> 00:57:16,920
It's just birthday cards, every
birthday gifts, every Christmas,

985
00:57:17,240 --> 00:57:19,840
money when you need it.
How do you feel?

986
00:57:20,160 --> 00:57:21,880
Right.
And then you look at it from the

987
00:57:21,880 --> 00:57:26,520
flip side, you're a dad and all
your kid wants from you is

988
00:57:26,520 --> 00:57:28,560
gifts.
That's all they want.

989
00:57:28,720 --> 00:57:32,000
Your kids like, hey, thanks for
the gift old man, see ya.

990
00:57:32,880 --> 00:57:34,120
Right.
That's all he wants.

991
00:57:36,040 --> 00:57:39,920
That's what it was like for me,
feeling of both, feeling in both

992
00:57:39,920 --> 00:57:42,160
ways.
Honestly, like to just know of

993
00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:45,480
God is like having a dad that
gives you things but you don't

994
00:57:45,480 --> 00:57:49,080
know who he is, right?
To just know of God on the other

995
00:57:49,080 --> 00:57:52,400
end is, yeah, OK, I know you can
give me these things, but I

996
00:57:52,400 --> 00:57:53,440
don't want anything to do with
you.

997
00:57:54,000 --> 00:57:56,920
Right.
It's almost like feeling alone

998
00:57:56,920 --> 00:58:01,360
on an island for me.
Like, like I couldn't even make

999
00:58:01,360 --> 00:58:03,160
up the things that he does.
You know?

1000
00:58:04,160 --> 00:58:10,560
To me, knowing of God was like
knowing of Superman Spider Man

1001
00:58:10,880 --> 00:58:13,840
really cool, Fascinating, right?
Good to dream about.

1002
00:58:14,080 --> 00:58:18,240
But like, no, you know, like,
but, but we got to live in the

1003
00:58:18,240 --> 00:58:20,240
real world, right?
Yeah.

1004
00:58:21,560 --> 00:58:27,200
And honestly, it was kind of a
dream killer to, to just know of

1005
00:58:27,200 --> 00:58:29,280
him 'cause I'm a big dreamer,
man.

1006
00:58:29,280 --> 00:58:33,160
Like I'm a creative.
So like I dream and I dream big

1007
00:58:35,800 --> 00:58:39,360
and my dreams, even my literal
dreams, like I had hadn't dreamt

1008
00:58:39,360 --> 00:58:42,240
in a long time.
And then I started having this

1009
00:58:42,240 --> 00:58:47,280
relationship with God and now I
have these amazing dreams, man.

1010
00:58:47,720 --> 00:58:50,520
Even even in my waking moments,
man, I dream of things and I'm

1011
00:58:50,520 --> 00:58:55,480
like, and it's like, it's
interesting because a lot of my

1012
00:58:55,480 --> 00:58:59,760
limitations that I would place
on myself, they're gone, you

1013
00:58:59,760 --> 00:59:03,640
know, like even creative
pursuits I stopped doing like

1014
00:59:03,640 --> 00:59:06,280
artwork and things like that
because I would get lost in the

1015
00:59:06,280 --> 00:59:09,560
rabbit hole now.
Now God will help me walk

1016
00:59:09,560 --> 00:59:12,640
through the entire framework of
it because I have a relationship

1017
00:59:12,640 --> 00:59:15,480
with him, right?
Like he's not going to just show

1018
00:59:15,480 --> 00:59:17,720
me a picture of something and
not tell me how to get to it.

1019
00:59:18,560 --> 00:59:21,120
He's going to do all the work.
Maybe sometimes I got to use my

1020
00:59:21,120 --> 00:59:24,040
hands.
Very rarely do I have to do

1021
00:59:24,040 --> 00:59:27,760
anything.
That's that's the contrast.

1022
00:59:28,240 --> 00:59:31,680
You know, it's like stress,
angst, anxiety.

1023
00:59:32,480 --> 00:59:36,320
Peace.
Couldn't ask for much more, man.

1024
00:59:36,320 --> 00:59:40,160
My life has been chaos, it's
been war, it's been violent,

1025
00:59:40,160 --> 00:59:43,120
it's been a lot of things.
Peace has not been something I

1026
00:59:43,120 --> 00:59:46,200
would ever attach to my life
until I met God as a person,

1027
00:59:47,440 --> 00:59:50,440
Until I've actually took the
time to get to know Him, Till

1028
00:59:50,440 --> 00:59:53,320
I've actually learned how to
take captive my thoughts and

1029
00:59:53,320 --> 00:59:57,600
quiet my brain and let Him
actually speak, you know?

1030
00:59:59,080 --> 01:00:03,680
Wow so clear DL.
Thanks man.

1031
01:00:05,520 --> 01:00:11,320
That's huge.
Yeah, that's him, man.

1032
01:00:11,320 --> 01:00:14,440
He's a like I said, you don't
let down.

1033
01:00:14,440 --> 01:00:16,800
When he starts a good work, he's
faithful to complete it.

1034
01:00:17,440 --> 01:00:19,640
And so I'm in this for the long
haul.

1035
01:00:20,840 --> 01:00:23,400
Yeah, He's not done.
He's not done.

1036
01:00:23,400 --> 01:00:30,240
So I'm not done.
Yeah, wow.

1037
01:00:30,760 --> 01:00:37,120
Well, dude, you've walked us
through major events in your

1038
01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:45,200
life and so many of them and
their, their timings.

1039
01:00:45,200 --> 01:00:47,240
I mean, I'm just going to
highlight a handful of them

1040
01:00:47,240 --> 01:00:52,520
because you talked about how
either right before or right

1041
01:00:52,520 --> 01:00:57,560
after you went unconscious,
people showed up.

1042
01:00:58,360 --> 01:01:04,280
You know, I mean, it's just one
thing after another and you

1043
01:01:04,280 --> 01:01:08,280
know, so the question is like as
as we look, as you look, because

1044
01:01:08,280 --> 01:01:11,120
it's really a question for you
as you look at all those pieces

1045
01:01:11,120 --> 01:01:15,480
in your life.
Was all of that coincidental and

1046
01:01:15,480 --> 01:01:19,120
how that played out?
Or is that or is that God?

1047
01:01:20,800 --> 01:01:25,040
When I look at my life, I don't
believe in coincidences.

1048
01:01:25,040 --> 01:01:27,200
Never have.
I never have.

1049
01:01:27,200 --> 01:01:29,320
Sometimes I would fancy it like,
oh, it's the matrix.

1050
01:01:29,320 --> 01:01:31,920
That's where we live.
Not a coincidence at all.

1051
01:01:31,920 --> 01:01:36,280
That is God, hands down, every
day of the week and sometimes on

1052
01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:37,280
Sundays.
Twice.

1053
01:01:38,080 --> 01:01:42,600
That is God, without a shadow of
a doubt.

1054
01:01:42,600 --> 01:01:45,680
Yeah.
Yeah, right on, man.

1055
01:01:46,480 --> 01:01:50,800
Well, how has your life changed
based on everything you've

1056
01:01:50,800 --> 01:01:57,040
described?
Man, I don't get angry, I don't

1057
01:01:57,040 --> 01:01:59,640
get stressed.
I'm not anxious.

1058
01:02:00,800 --> 01:02:05,320
Like even if I was facing like
in which I was for a, a stretch

1059
01:02:05,320 --> 01:02:08,720
recently, right?
Even if I was facing like this

1060
01:02:08,720 --> 01:02:12,160
close to homelessness and like,
you know, I've got nothing to

1061
01:02:12,160 --> 01:02:16,080
eat and things like that, I
still find myself not stressed

1062
01:02:16,080 --> 01:02:19,360
out or anxious.
Like I, I had this incredible

1063
01:02:19,400 --> 01:02:25,320
trust in him And then in
addition to that, like I truly

1064
01:02:25,320 --> 01:02:27,280
care about people.
Like I know how to love people

1065
01:02:27,280 --> 01:02:29,600
now.
I didn't know how to love people

1066
01:02:29,600 --> 01:02:35,280
before, did not at all, you
know, So I, my life is, it's

1067
01:02:35,280 --> 01:02:39,040
like, you know, the, the light
came into the darkness, you

1068
01:02:39,040 --> 01:02:41,200
know, So now I just want to
carry that light into other dark

1069
01:02:41,200 --> 01:02:45,720
places, man.
Try to be an answer to prayer

1070
01:02:45,720 --> 01:02:49,520
for people that are praying the
same prayers that I prayed, you

1071
01:02:49,520 --> 01:02:52,920
know, and be that guy who shows
up a second after somebody goes

1072
01:02:52,920 --> 01:02:55,320
unconscious or something like
that.

1073
01:02:55,840 --> 01:03:00,640
But yeah, man, my life is
incredibly filled with joy, with

1074
01:03:00,680 --> 01:03:05,280
peace, with love, and none of
the stuff that I had before,

1075
01:03:05,280 --> 01:03:09,480
man, at all.
He's a Redeemer.

1076
01:03:09,480 --> 01:03:14,720
Good dude.
Yeah, yeah, a complete Redeemer.

1077
01:03:14,880 --> 01:03:19,720
Complete 100%, yeah.
I mean, like he's, he's shown me

1078
01:03:20,280 --> 01:03:23,480
that, that moment that I, that I
remembered that I was jumped

1079
01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:28,000
when I was 6, that that took
away a lot of my, my joy and my

1080
01:03:28,000 --> 01:03:30,680
enthusiasm as a kid.
It made me become something

1081
01:03:30,680 --> 01:03:33,640
different a lot sooner.
And probably I should have never

1082
01:03:33,640 --> 01:03:36,680
been, but I have, I have a lot
of that back too.

1083
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:41,640
I have that enthusiasm as that 6
year old enthusiasm and awe and

1084
01:03:41,640 --> 01:03:44,760
looking at things like, oh,
that's a green leaf, but is it

1085
01:03:44,760 --> 01:03:46,760
green?
You know, like I, I have that

1086
01:03:46,760 --> 01:03:49,920
back, you know, like, so it's.
Yeah, man.

1087
01:03:49,920 --> 01:03:54,520
It's a completely restored life
on the inside that I didn't even

1088
01:03:54,520 --> 01:03:58,200
know I was missing.
Yeah, man.

1089
01:03:58,200 --> 01:04:01,080
Praise God, dude.
Yeah, Thank you for sharing all

1090
01:04:01,080 --> 01:04:06,400
that.
Tell us how we can continue to

1091
01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:13,000
follow you, continue to or even
start getting in touch with your

1092
01:04:13,000 --> 01:04:16,800
podcast that you mentioned.
How do we stay informed about

1093
01:04:16,800 --> 01:04:18,160
DL?
Yeah.

1094
01:04:18,920 --> 01:04:24,600
Www.livingthelowlife.com because
that's what I'll be doing living

1095
01:04:24,600 --> 01:04:27,920
the lowlife.
You could find me on YouTube.

1096
01:04:28,160 --> 01:04:30,440
That's where I have some video
versions of the interviews that

1097
01:04:30,440 --> 01:04:34,120
I've been doing YouTube handle
at the lowlife show.

1098
01:04:34,520 --> 01:04:37,040
Don't look at the ones that are
like for low rider bikes and low

1099
01:04:37,040 --> 01:04:39,560
rider cars.
I'm the only at the lowlife show

1100
01:04:39,560 --> 01:04:41,240
on YouTube.
But if you because so if you

1101
01:04:41,240 --> 01:04:44,680
search up YouTube like a search
term, you're going to find other

1102
01:04:44,680 --> 01:04:47,480
stuff.
And then on Instagram, man,

1103
01:04:47,800 --> 01:04:51,880
Instagram living the lowlife IG
that's the the podcast page.

1104
01:04:52,400 --> 01:04:55,160
But I've also got my personal
one is DL under score the

1105
01:04:55,160 --> 01:05:00,000
lowlife on Instagram.
But yeah, check it out.

1106
01:05:01,440 --> 01:05:06,160
I know that somebody somewhere
will find value in something in

1107
01:05:06,160 --> 01:05:07,440
that.
Can't say what.

1108
01:05:07,440 --> 01:05:10,080
I can't say you're going to
enjoy all of it, but there's

1109
01:05:10,080 --> 01:05:11,760
something in there for for
everybody.

1110
01:05:12,720 --> 01:05:15,800
And Nick, I just want to say,
man, it has been such a joy and

1111
01:05:15,800 --> 01:05:18,880
a treat to be able to sit here
with you and and share these

1112
01:05:18,880 --> 01:05:21,240
things, man.
Now, and I'll see now, now

1113
01:05:21,240 --> 01:05:23,280
you've seen under my skirt.
Now I don't know what to do, but

1114
01:05:26,680 --> 01:05:29,440
but I appreciate you, man.
It's, it's a it's a, it's a

1115
01:05:29,440 --> 01:05:31,080
privilege, bro.
It really is.

1116
01:05:31,080 --> 01:05:35,880
I love what you're doing here.
I love the whole concept, man.

1117
01:05:35,880 --> 01:05:38,760
Like to to show people, right.
And, and I love how it's a

1118
01:05:38,760 --> 01:05:41,720
question and it's not a like a
yeah, See that was God, like

1119
01:05:41,720 --> 01:05:47,080
it's was it a coincidence?
Was it, you know, like I, I love

1120
01:05:47,080 --> 01:05:48,360
that.
I love the style of it and

1121
01:05:48,360 --> 01:05:49,800
everything.
Man, it's, it's amazing what

1122
01:05:49,800 --> 01:05:54,000
you're doing here is great.
I, I, I know he's honored by it.

1123
01:05:54,240 --> 01:05:58,040
I know he is like, there's not a
thing that makes me wonder like,

1124
01:05:58,320 --> 01:06:00,040
even if I start to question like
God, are you?

1125
01:06:00,040 --> 01:06:01,920
Yep, that's like, I hear it
immediately.

1126
01:06:02,160 --> 01:06:06,320
Yep, Yep.
So keep it up brotherly.

1127
01:06:06,320 --> 01:06:08,320
It's it's great.
That's very.

1128
01:06:08,320 --> 01:06:12,520
Kind man yeah, we're we're firm
believers in the fact that faith

1129
01:06:12,520 --> 01:06:17,240
that is is a decision.
And so it's not appropriate for

1130
01:06:17,240 --> 01:06:20,800
me to to jam God down somebody's
throat.

1131
01:06:21,040 --> 01:06:25,320
But I sure want to put it in
front of them so that they can

1132
01:06:25,320 --> 01:06:30,080
decide for themselves.
So you've done a phenomenal job,

1133
01:06:30,080 --> 01:06:34,680
man of laying that out with this
is what my life look like.

1134
01:06:34,680 --> 01:06:39,160
You talked about it, war, chaos,
and then you contrasted that

1135
01:06:39,160 --> 01:06:43,960
with peace and complete
restoration.

1136
01:06:45,680 --> 01:06:49,200
That's what people need to hear
as far as I'm concerned, to make

1137
01:06:49,200 --> 01:06:53,840
their own decision.
So blessings to you, DL.

1138
01:06:53,840 --> 01:06:55,960
Thanks a bunch for being on the
show, man.

1139
01:06:56,080 --> 01:07:00,200
We legit appreciate it.
Bless you brother.

1140
01:07:03,680 --> 01:07:08,920
Was it coincidence or God?
You decide for yourself, but I

1141
01:07:08,920 --> 01:07:12,720
believe you just heard a story
for His glory.

1142
01:07:13,440 --> 01:07:18,160
When You Look is powered by
stories just like this and yours

1143
01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:22,240
could be next.
Go to whenyoulook.com/be a guest

1144
01:07:22,480 --> 01:07:24,680
or use the link in the
description below.

1145
01:07:25,240 --> 01:07:29,560
Drop us a comment and share this
episode with somebody that needs

1146
01:07:29,560 --> 01:07:32,520
it.
Until next time, thanks a bunch

1147
01:07:32,520 --> 01:07:35,320
for listening and watching, and
God bless.