God Broke Her Addiction at a Porn Convention | Ana Murby | 035

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Hey everybody, it's Mick from
when you look at giving you a

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heads up that the amazing
episode that you're about to

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hear includes some mature
content.

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So it's Absolutely Fabulous.
Lots of insight, definitely

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worth listening to, but just
know some of the content not

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appropriate for all ears.
Enjoy the episode.

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We went into the exhibition
hall.

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A wave of emotion hit me.
I started bawling.

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I saw everything, and I mean
everything.

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There was stuff everywhere,
people everywhere.

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It's a pouring convention.
I saw the brokenness, the

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depression, all the negative
feelings, and I felt broken and

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hurt for everybody there.
And at that moment, that's when

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the full chains of my addiction
were completely broken.

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I did not have to worry anymore.
Welcome to When You Look, where

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ordinary people share their
extraordinary experiences and

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you get to decide, was it
coincidence or God?

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Anna, welcome to When You Look.
Super pumped to have you on the

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show.
Thank you so much for being

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here.
Thank you for having me, Nick.

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I'm very excited about this
interview.

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I, I love telling my story and
yeah, I, I will tell it to

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anyone who will listen.
So I'm glad you're willing to

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listen and your audience as
well.

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My name is Anna Merby.
I am a podcaster.

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I have the Honest Christian
Conversations podcast.

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I am a mother of five, a wife,
and I'm also a published author,

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also doing a whole bunch of
other things.

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But we don't have time for
everything that I'm doing, so

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we'll just leave it at that.
Well, we really appreciate the

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background.
Everybody who is watching this

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or listening to this, I can tell
you for sure listen up because

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you're not going to hear stories
like this very often.

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So when you look is filled with
amazing stories from one end of

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the spectrum to another.
And Anna, we are really pumped

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to hear everything that you have
to say.

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So let's roll right into that,
give us some back story, and

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then walk us through things as
they went down.

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All right, well, I am a
Christian from birth, quote UN

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quote.
OK, so that that's how I thought

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of it in the beginning.
Now that I'm older and in my mid

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40s and I'm quote UN quote
wiser, I realized that I had it

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all wrong.
But I figured since my family

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was Christian, I was raised
Christian, I believed in God

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when I was 12.
So I was a Christian.

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I didn't look much different
from the world.

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I did everything that was
required of me.

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I was the shy, quiet, didn't
want to make waves kind of

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person.
So I was a people pleaser big

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time.
Didn't really know why I was

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doing any of this other than I
didn't want to get in trouble

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with anyone and that included
God.

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I didn't want to upset him, I
didn't want him to be mad at me.

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So I did everything that I was
told to do, even if it was

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begrudgingly, even if I had no
clue why.

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I didn't want to be a doubter.
I didn't want people to think

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that I was walking away from the
faith if I had a question.

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So I kept all that to myself.
It just kept building till a

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point when I was just really
getting tired of it.

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Became a college student, had my
own car so I could drive myself

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to church.
Didn't always go, just started

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doing what you usually do in
high school which is have your

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little rebellious side.
I didn't start that till my mid

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20s.
I got married early, had a child

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early.
After three years, that marriage

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dissolved because he was a
abusive person all around, but

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mostly to our daughter,
unfortunately.

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But he had beaten me down so
much emotionally.

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We both called ourselves
Christians.

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We both did not look any
different than the world.

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And I made mistakes in that
marriage because I was trying to

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get out of the marriage and my
mistakes didn't change anything.

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But I just, I had had enough.
I was depressed.

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One year into the marriage, I no
longer wanted to be married to

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him.
That's how bad it was.

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So by by year three, I was just
mentally spent.

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I had nothing in me.
I couldn't help my daughter when

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she would cry for my help.
I was just, I was not there.

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I was a shell of myself.
And then somehow God managed to

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awake me at that point and I
said that's it.

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And we we got out of there.
My daughter, unfortunately,

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still had to see her father, but
that's her story to tell.

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I jumped quickly into another
marriage with somebody who lives

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in Connecticut, where is that's
where I live now and that's the

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reason why I moved to
Connecticut was to marry this

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person.
What I should have done

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hindsight 2020 I should have
taken care of my baggage first

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before jumping into another
marriage.

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But I didn't.
So I jumped into this one and

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after two years he blindsided me
and said he was done.

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He didn't want to be married
anymore, had his own place

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already.
But before all that, we weren't

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living for Christ either.
We both called ourselves

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Christians, but we had walked
away from the faith at that

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point because the period during
my first marriage and the little

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bit of period before my second
marriage, I went hard against

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God.
I turned my back completely.

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No longer was going to church,
did a lot of drinking, sleeping

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around, tried drugs once,
literally just once.

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And I was not very good at it.
So I was like, this sucks, I'm

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not doing it anymore.
So that didn't stick.

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But after almost a year of doing
the other stuff and being a

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terrible mom overall, during
those years of my daughter's

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life, my loving family who
prayed for me and loved me

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through my struggles, through my
rebellion, I finally came out of

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that.
I wouldn't say I came back to

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Christ, but I came out of that
lifestyle.

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And then I met my second husband
and moved to Connecticut.

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We were still doing some stuff.
Pornography was an issue.

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Like I said, we were both saying
we were Christians who walked

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away from the faith, so we
weren't doing that anymore.

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We weren't going to church.
As I look back now, I shouldn't

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have been surprised that after
two years he was done with me.

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And this whole marriage thing,
it blindsided me when it

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happened.
But now I'm like, I, I get it.

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I was not the best.
I had a lot of baggage.

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I had a lot of things that I
needed to work on and things I

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was pushing on him that weren't
fair.

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But before we even got to the
point where he told me that and

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I was blindsided, I was in a
depression again because I

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didn't have any family out in
Connecticut.

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My family was all on the West
Coast in California, where I was

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from.
So I was going through all that.

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I didn't have any friends, none
of that.

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I went to a church once that I
saw an advertisement for at a

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movie theater, and I was like,
OK, well, free babysitting.

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I'll go.
You know, I have two little kids

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at this point.
I need the babysitting.

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So that's what I did.
I went to the church, got that

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free babysitting.
But as soon as I walked in the

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door, I had the scowl on my face
and I saw this really bubbly

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older woman who is so not the
person I wanted to talk to.

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Like just leave me alone, lady,
do not talk to me.

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That's how I felt anyways,
because I was very shy and

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didn't want to talk to anybody.
But I certainly didn't want to

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talk to her today because I was
just there for free babysitting.

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That was it.
And then agreement is I have to

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stay.
You know, that's just what it

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was.
You know, that's how it felt to

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me at that point.
But fortunately, God was like,

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no, I got other plans for you.
So this woman did talk to me and

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she was extra bubbly and it was
irritating, but she ended up

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becoming my mentor, my best
friend.

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She helped me through the whole
process of going through my

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divorce, the second one.
And yeah, I call her a surrogate

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mom, a spiritual mom, whatever,
but she's like one of my best

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friends now.
So that's how God works.

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But after that day, I had went
to a mom group once and I ended

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up meeting another one of my
really good mom friends that I

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still hang out with today
because I still go to that

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church.
And during that time I, I don't

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know, like I just wasn't into
it.

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I just went to the mom group
because maybe I could find

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somebody to hang out with, but I
wasn't really following God.

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But at that church service, God
met me and it felt just like

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what we're doing now, having a
one-on-one conversation and God

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was just talking to me like I
felt it.

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I felt the conviction, I felt
all of it.

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I knew he was talking to me.
He was telling me to come home

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and I just stood up and not
literally, but I looked him in

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the face and I said, I hear
everything you're saying, God,

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but I don't care.
I'm still going to do whatever I

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want to do.
Just like peace.

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I'm out.
That's, that's the attitude I

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had.
I was so far gone with being

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controlled by everybody that I
just, I spit in his face

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basically.
So then a week later, that's

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when my husband, I thought he
was taking me out on a date, but

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he was apparently just taking me
out to tell me it was over.

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And it blindsided me.
I was depressed for a few weeks.

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I couldn't look at my son, his
son, without crying because he

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looks so much like him.
I ended up calling my, at that

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point, my mother-in-law, and she
didn't really like me much to

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begin with, but she was a
Christian and I called her and I

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asked her to keep an eye on my
son for a little bit.

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I can't look at him without
crying.

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It hurts.
And she just laid into me.

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She's like, you have to get over
this.

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Whatever's going on between you
and my son, your kids need you

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to be right with Christ.
You need to fix things with God.

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And that was that, that that was
it.

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That was her conversation.
That was it for me.

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I dropped to my knees, I
repented, I got up and I was a

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completely different woman.
I tried to save the marriage,

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but it takes two people to do
that and he didn't want to,

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which turns out fine because God
was gracious enough to give me a

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wonderful man of God that I met
at church through that woman

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that I didn't want to talk to me
because her husband knew my

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husband now, but knew him when
we were, you know, we didn't

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know each other.
He was a widower.

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And you know, she's just like,
oh, he could just be a nice

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friend for you.
And it wasn't long after our, my

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divorce from my second husband
that I met him and we started

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hanging out and then we got
married not long after.

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And in 2025, it'll be 11 years.
So if you're listening to this

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later, it'll be a lot more.
But yes, almost 11 years and

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God's been so good in that area.
And one of the best parts of

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this, not just my husband.
And now I have 3 kids with him.

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But before that, before I even
got married to him, before I

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even met him, while I was trying
to save the marriage, there was

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an 8 month period where I didn't
get any paperwork for the

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divorce.
Like that's when we were, that's

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when I was trying to save the
marriage.

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And at the end, it just went
pretty quick because I, you

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know, at that point I just knew
it was over.

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But I think it was a spiritual
thing that God was trying to do

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in my life, in my heart to do
you really trust me?

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Are you really going to allow me
to take care of you?

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Because my dad wanted me to move
back to California so he could

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take care of me.
And my family would always help

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me after I made mistakes.
They'd always be there to pick

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me up.
And I just really felt God

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saying, no, you're going to stay
here and I'm going to take care

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of you.
You need to let me take care of

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you now.
And I told my dad that and he he

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wasn't happy as all good dads
would not be hearing that their

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daughter who's going through a
sad divorce is wanting to stay

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behind and not have any family.
But he accepted that.

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And I know it was a struggle for
him, but I just really felt that

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God said you can trust me, I'm
going to take care of you.

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And he has not let me down.
I mean, like I said, I have a

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wonderful husband now.
I have three more beautiful

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children.
I'm blessed to be able to be a

224
00:13:33,160 --> 00:13:37,400
stay at home mom.
That he just, he, he's done more

225
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:40,800
than I deserve for sure, because
I have done a lot of stupid

226
00:13:40,800 --> 00:13:43,520
things.
And like I said, I spit in his

227
00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:49,360
face proverbially.
And yeah, like, yeah, I, I, I

228
00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:53,400
don't deserve what I have and
I'm well aware of it.

229
00:13:55,920 --> 00:14:03,160
But from there, he has been
working on the big glaring issue

230
00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:04,800
in my life.
There's two of them.

231
00:14:05,040 --> 00:14:07,840
He is working on the second one
now, but he had to get this

232
00:14:07,840 --> 00:14:12,200
other one out of the way because
I think it was really affecting

233
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:16,760
every other part of my life.
And that is my addiction to

234
00:14:16,760 --> 00:14:21,800
pornography.
I did not call it an addiction

235
00:14:21,800 --> 00:14:26,400
for a good 17 years, pretty much
that I was doing it.

236
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:29,400
I just always said I had a
problem with this.

237
00:14:29,800 --> 00:14:33,040
And the reason why I didn't
think of it as an addiction is

238
00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:37,080
because one, back then I only
thought addictions were drugs

239
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:39,640
and alcohol.
I didn't really think of it as

240
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:43,800
anything else.
But another reason why is

241
00:14:43,800 --> 00:14:47,760
because I could go long periods
of time without looking at it.

242
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:51,520
Not, you know, like I could go
months, weeks, whatever, no

243
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:53,800
problem.
And then all of a sudden I binge

244
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,760
hard and, you know, like a binge
drinker would.

245
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,360
And I didn't really think of it
as an addiction.

246
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:05,720
So I'm pregnant with my third
child at this point, about

247
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:10,920
probably 8 months pregnant.
And anger was one of my main

248
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:13,880
triggers.
But any negative emotion, I just

249
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:16,360
wanted to get rid of it.
And that was the way I had

250
00:15:16,360 --> 00:15:18,960
trained my brain all these years
to get rid of it.

251
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:23,640
So this was just another day,
mommy having an issue with

252
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:26,760
either one of her children or
just having a bad day for some

253
00:15:26,760 --> 00:15:30,240
stupid reason.
And I decided I was going to put

254
00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,640
my 4 year old son at that time
to bed.

255
00:15:33,680 --> 00:15:36,280
And then I was going to go do
what I needed to do to get rid

256
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:40,400
of this emotion.
So I told him to go down for

257
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:42,000
your nap.
You're going to go down a little

258
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,480
early.
And he was always good about

259
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:47,240
staying in his bed.
Once I put him in bed for a nap.

260
00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:52,880
So I went into my room.
I start looking at my phone,

261
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:56,280
doing things and then I just
really feel like something or

262
00:15:56,280 --> 00:16:00,320
someone is behind me.
And I turn around and I see my 4

263
00:16:00,320 --> 00:16:04,960
year old son standing there.
He can't see what I'm doing

264
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,480
obviously, but the way I was
turned and everything, he

265
00:16:07,480 --> 00:16:08,840
couldn't see it.
There was no way.

266
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:14,000
But I flipped my gourd and
yelled at him and he ran off to

267
00:16:14,000 --> 00:16:17,240
his room crying and I felt like
the worst person in the whole

268
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,520
world.
I shut down my phone, put it

269
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,880
down, went into the room, was
going to apologize, but he had

270
00:16:23,880 --> 00:16:28,200
already gone back to sleep.
I quote UN quote repented for

271
00:16:28,200 --> 00:16:32,600
the bazillionth time since I had
this issue because I was the

272
00:16:32,600 --> 00:16:36,200
biggest hypocrite.
I would judge the people in the

273
00:16:36,200 --> 00:16:38,840
videos.
I would judge strippers, all

274
00:16:38,840 --> 00:16:41,920
these people doing all this
scandalous stuff, but yet I was

275
00:16:41,920 --> 00:16:46,040
looking at it.
I was also the person who hated

276
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:50,200
myself after doing this and
quote UN quote repented and said

277
00:16:50,200 --> 00:16:52,440
I would never do it again.
And then I would.

278
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,680
So I just, I felt like the
extreme worst person in the

279
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,360
whole world at this point
because I had just yelled at my

280
00:16:59,360 --> 00:17:03,920
son for it.
And I think God was just tired

281
00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:08,119
of hearing me quote, UN quote,
repent and was like, well, we're

282
00:17:08,119 --> 00:17:10,960
going to do you a solid right
now and we're going to take care

283
00:17:10,960 --> 00:17:15,480
of this.
And so that was the that was the

284
00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:19,960
start.
The main trajectory turn of my

285
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:27,720
train of destruction came when
my son woke up and he said, I, I

286
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:30,520
apologize to him for what I did
wrong.

287
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,600
And then I asked him, I said,
well, why did you even get up?

288
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:37,480
You're usually good about
staying in your bed when I put

289
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:39,960
you in bed.
And he said, well, God told me

290
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:46,880
to find you.
And that was just like I lost

291
00:17:46,880 --> 00:17:48,120
it.
I started crying.

292
00:17:48,120 --> 00:17:52,480
I hugged him and I thanked him
for listening to God's voice.

293
00:17:53,120 --> 00:17:58,560
And that started the shift.
That night I could not sleep.

294
00:17:58,560 --> 00:18:00,320
I woke up at 3:00 in the
morning.

295
00:18:00,680 --> 00:18:04,840
I went to the living room and
was just weeping, apologizing to

296
00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,880
God, saying I, I'm done with
this.

297
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:12,160
I need help.
I I can't do this and I was

298
00:18:12,160 --> 00:18:16,280
crying so hard that I woke my
husband up and he went out into

299
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:18,320
the living room to ask what was
going on.

300
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,440
And mind you I'm 8 months
pregnant at this point.

301
00:18:21,720 --> 00:18:25,200
But I just apologize to him and
I said I've been hiding

302
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:28,000
something from you.
I have an addiction to

303
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:34,080
pornography because he knew I
had issues with it, but I had

304
00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:37,760
been good for a while, you know,
and hiding it and all this

305
00:18:37,760 --> 00:18:39,360
stuff.
So I finally was like, I

306
00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:42,320
literally am done with this.
I can't do this anymore.

307
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:46,200
And I called it.
What actually was, was an

308
00:18:46,200 --> 00:18:50,160
addiction.
And once I did, I felt like

309
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,200
lighter.
I felt released, released from

310
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:58,040
this pain.
And I told him everything.

311
00:18:58,040 --> 00:19:01,120
I said, you know, you can have
my passwords, you can get on my

312
00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:03,880
phone whenever you need to.
Like I just gave him everything

313
00:19:03,880 --> 00:19:07,920
and told him I told my parents,
I told friends, I told people I

314
00:19:07,920 --> 00:19:11,880
barely knew at church.
Like I told everybody I needed

315
00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:15,840
the accountability, even though
nobody has ever checked up on me

316
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:20,040
on that.
And but I needed that, that

317
00:19:20,040 --> 00:19:24,320
knowledge that maybe they would,
that they could, that that's

318
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,120
what I fed off to continue down
my journey.

319
00:19:27,360 --> 00:19:31,400
I knew God was going to look out
for me, but apparently that

320
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:34,600
wasn't enough in the beginning.
Anyways, I needed the people

321
00:19:34,800 --> 00:19:39,160
knowing as well.
So that's what I did.

322
00:19:39,160 --> 00:19:46,680
I told everybody and I started
listening to not sermons, but

323
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:51,920
just some content that was for
XXX Church, which is a ministry

324
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:55,000
that helps people who are
struggling with pornography

325
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,120
addictions, men, women and
couples.

326
00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:01,680
And at this point, I don't know
if they do it now, but back then

327
00:20:01,680 --> 00:20:05,800
when I was going through this,
they had a ministry opportunity

328
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:09,520
where you would go to
pornography conventions in

329
00:20:09,520 --> 00:20:13,440
different states where they had
them and you would preach the

330
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,520
gospel, you'd.
Give them a Bible, the book of

331
00:20:16,520 --> 00:20:19,960
John I believe it was, and then
they'd make sure it says Jesus

332
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:22,440
loves porn stars or something
along those lines.

333
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:26,680
I thought this was amazing and
cool and awesome and so

334
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,760
different, and I wanted to be a
part of it.

335
00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:32,600
So I looked at what you have to
do to do that, and you needed to

336
00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:36,040
be at least a year sober.
I was like, got it, I can do

337
00:20:36,040 --> 00:20:38,760
that.
So I cold turkeyed everything.

338
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:40,640
I no longer looked at any of
that stuff.

339
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,920
I put all those barriers up on
my phone.

340
00:20:43,240 --> 00:20:45,920
I didn't watch anything higher
than AG rating.

341
00:20:46,200 --> 00:20:48,280
I only listen to Christian
music.

342
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:51,200
I made sure to tell everybody
and their mother what I was

343
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:55,920
doing and just I, I told
everybody and maybe had lost

344
00:20:55,920 --> 00:20:59,680
some people in the meantime
because of it, but I, I didn't

345
00:20:59,680 --> 00:21:02,080
care.
This is what I wanted to do.

346
00:21:02,360 --> 00:21:05,400
I raised the money for it and I
was finally going to be able to

347
00:21:05,400 --> 00:21:08,040
go because I had been a year and
a half sober.

348
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:12,320
I was so excited.
But then as we got ready to go

349
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:15,720
to it the first night, I started
getting anxious and nervous

350
00:21:15,720 --> 00:21:19,600
because I finally realized I had
not seen anything higher than G

351
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,400
rating for the last year and a
half.

352
00:21:21,640 --> 00:21:25,800
What on earth was I going to
feel like when I go in and I see

353
00:21:25,800 --> 00:21:30,840
all this pornography stuff?
I was nervous, but my husband

354
00:21:30,840 --> 00:21:34,280
was at home praying.
I had friends and family that

355
00:21:34,280 --> 00:21:36,960
were praying.
The people that I was with, we

356
00:21:36,960 --> 00:21:40,440
were praying.
Unfortunately for me, I didn't

357
00:21:40,440 --> 00:21:45,080
understand the significance of a
mission trip, especially in such

358
00:21:45,080 --> 00:21:51,480
a dark type of mission field.
So I was not as prayed up as I

359
00:21:51,480 --> 00:21:54,480
probably should have been before
even going.

360
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:58,800
But with my fervor and
everything, I was just like, I

361
00:21:58,800 --> 00:22:02,520
have to go and do this.
So God used it anyways.

362
00:22:02,600 --> 00:22:12,080
And we went into the exhibition
hall and a wave of emotion hit

363
00:22:12,080 --> 00:22:14,400
me.
I started bawling.

364
00:22:14,520 --> 00:22:17,080
I was crying.
I saw everything.

365
00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:21,000
And I mean everything.
Stuff everywhere, people

366
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,960
everywhere, computers, all these
things.

367
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:28,920
Like all the stuff was there.
It's a porn convention, but I

368
00:22:28,920 --> 00:22:34,360
didn't see that.
I saw the need for us to be

369
00:22:34,360 --> 00:22:36,440
there.
I saw the brokenness, the

370
00:22:36,440 --> 00:22:40,680
depression, all the negative
feelings, like I just felt the

371
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:45,640
weight of, of what was going on
there and I felt broken and hurt

372
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:49,640
for everybody there.
I wanted to jump on a table and

373
00:22:49,640 --> 00:22:52,440
just start sharing the gospel
with people.

374
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:55,680
I wasn't going to because I was
nervous enough already.

375
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:58,760
But that's just, I just felt
like this overwhelming.

376
00:22:58,760 --> 00:23:01,440
I have to do this.
And maybe I should have, but

377
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,800
maybe I would have got arrested.
I don't really know, but I just,

378
00:23:04,800 --> 00:23:06,840
I really felt like I had to do
that.

379
00:23:06,840 --> 00:23:10,840
I just knew why we were there.
And at that moment, that's when

380
00:23:10,840 --> 00:23:14,080
the full chains of my addiction
were completely broken.

381
00:23:14,280 --> 00:23:19,560
I did not have to worry anymore.
Now I can get on my computer

382
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:24,000
after a certain time of day and
I don't have to worry about what

383
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:27,080
I'm going to do on it.
If I'm home alone, I can be on

384
00:23:27,080 --> 00:23:29,480
my computer and I don't have to
worry about it.

385
00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:32,360
Will things pop up in my brain?
Of course.

386
00:23:32,400 --> 00:23:36,000
Satan tries to do his tricks,
but they don't have the same

387
00:23:36,000 --> 00:23:41,480
sway over me that they once did.
I am free in Christ and I don't

388
00:23:41,480 --> 00:23:44,600
have an addiction to pornography
anymore.

389
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,000
I am a former porn addiction
person.

390
00:23:48,000 --> 00:23:51,600
I am no longer that.
And he broke my chains of

391
00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,000
addiction at a pornography
convention.

392
00:23:54,360 --> 00:23:57,080
And that was like the greatest
feeling in the world.

393
00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,640
And I actually did get to preach
the gospel to some woman who was

394
00:24:00,640 --> 00:24:04,000
topless at that point.
But I shared, yeah, I know,

395
00:24:04,000 --> 00:24:06,120
right?
This is like the so the weirdest

396
00:24:06,120 --> 00:24:07,920
thing.
But I shared the gospel.

397
00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:10,920
I was crying, she was crying,
other people were listening.

398
00:24:10,960 --> 00:24:14,080
I prayed with her.
I was pumped and so ready for

399
00:24:14,080 --> 00:24:17,840
the next day.
Satan was super angry at that

400
00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:23,480
point and he messed with me big
time during that time, so I

401
00:24:23,480 --> 00:24:26,480
needed to go home and work on
the situation.

402
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:30,120
I wasn't able to stay for the
next two days, but I was told

403
00:24:30,120 --> 00:24:34,560
that in because I went to the
one in New Jersey and they said

404
00:24:34,560 --> 00:24:38,400
they get a lot of spiritual
warfare at that one

405
00:24:38,400 --> 00:24:40,600
specifically.
I didn't know that.

406
00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:42,360
And like I said, I wasn't
prepared.

407
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,760
Now, if I ever go on any sort of
mission trip now, at least I'll

408
00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:49,240
know you got to pray up.
And for anyone who's thinking of

409
00:24:49,240 --> 00:24:51,280
going on a mission trip, pray
up.

410
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:56,440
Seriously, it's important.
But he still, he still worked on

411
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:59,680
me with that.
And I had a moment where I felt

412
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:02,720
the fervor of everything just
kind of squashed when I had to

413
00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:06,480
go back the way I did.
And then that's when he started

414
00:25:06,480 --> 00:25:11,320
working on the other issue that
I have, which is my anger and my

415
00:25:11,320 --> 00:25:14,680
frustration with quote UN quote,
just being a mom.

416
00:25:15,600 --> 00:25:20,400
And at that point, I didn't have
a podcast, I didn't have blogs,

417
00:25:20,400 --> 00:25:24,280
I wasn't finishing my books.
I was just, I just felt like I

418
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:27,120
was just a mom and a wife.
Is this all you're going to have

419
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:28,080
me do?
God?

420
00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:32,400
And I wrestled with that for a
few years of being mad at him

421
00:25:32,400 --> 00:25:36,200
because I wanted to do all this
stuff for this ministry and I

422
00:25:36,200 --> 00:25:38,920
wanted to be a part of it.
They wanted me to be a part of

423
00:25:38,920 --> 00:25:41,000
it.
Why did you take this away?

424
00:25:41,480 --> 00:25:43,800
And I had to go see my pastor
about this.

425
00:25:43,800 --> 00:25:48,400
I was just frustrated.
And he told me that this is your

426
00:25:48,400 --> 00:25:52,200
highest calling, being a wife
and a mother.

427
00:25:52,240 --> 00:25:54,480
You're raising up the next
generation.

428
00:25:54,480 --> 00:25:57,960
It's not just a mom.
This is your ministry.

429
00:25:58,240 --> 00:26:01,200
And once you get this one
working the way that it's

430
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,600
supposed to, then he can bless
you with other things.

431
00:26:05,320 --> 00:26:09,560
And it took some time to accept
that and to work with that.

432
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:12,400
And you know, I did and been
working.

433
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:17,560
And now several several years
later, COVID later, I finally

434
00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:22,320
get to share my story again of
how God freed me from my

435
00:26:22,320 --> 00:26:24,840
pornography addiction.
But it took a long time before I

436
00:26:24,840 --> 00:26:28,360
finally got to that point.
And I'm still working on my

437
00:26:28,360 --> 00:26:30,200
anger issues.
Praise God.

438
00:26:30,200 --> 00:26:32,600
The last several months have
been really good.

439
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:35,240
I have not had any yelling
matches with my kids.

440
00:26:35,560 --> 00:26:40,240
I've been more even killed, but
that is something that he's

441
00:26:40,240 --> 00:26:43,720
still working on and
unfortunately I had to learn the

442
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:49,800
hard way again that I am
extremely selfish and self

443
00:26:49,800 --> 00:26:53,760
focused.
But once I realized that and

444
00:26:53,760 --> 00:26:58,280
realized that that was the
reason for the big situation

445
00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:03,120
that happened for me last year
and sent me down this path of

446
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:06,800
realizing how important it is
that I work on this issue and

447
00:27:06,920 --> 00:27:12,080
let go of it.
I was really bitter because I

448
00:27:12,080 --> 00:27:15,720
didn't know why I became a mom
in the 1st place.

449
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:18,720
Like I said, I grew up.
This is what you do this what

450
00:27:18,720 --> 00:27:22,400
you don't do.
My the women in my life, we're

451
00:27:22,400 --> 00:27:26,400
all stay at home moms.
And I knew I never really wanted

452
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,960
to work outside of the house.
I just, I never had that bone in

453
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:33,240
my body.
I will if I have to, but boy do

454
00:27:33,240 --> 00:27:37,440
I just feel depressed about it.
So I never wanted to do that,

455
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:41,280
but the only way to stay home at
that point would have been to

456
00:27:41,280 --> 00:27:43,160
have kids.
I mean, why are you going to

457
00:27:43,160 --> 00:27:44,720
just stay home just to stay
home?

458
00:27:45,040 --> 00:27:47,440
You'd have to marry a
billionaire to do that.

459
00:27:47,760 --> 00:27:52,240
So I jumped into having kids for
the wrong reasons.

460
00:27:52,520 --> 00:27:55,360
And then whenever anyone would
say, oh, you're such a good mom

461
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:58,360
or anything like that, I always
beat myself up.

462
00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:02,760
And I was like, no I'm not
because I feel mad that I am a

463
00:28:02,760 --> 00:28:06,160
mom and I'm not even sure if I
really wanted to be a mom.

464
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:09,040
And those were real hard
questions that I needed to

465
00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:12,280
wrestle with.
And you know, I have 5 kids, so

466
00:28:12,280 --> 00:28:16,400
I've been thinking about it for
a while and it was irritating me

467
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:21,120
because I knew how selfish that
was, that this is a calling.

468
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:24,040
I have children.
I, it doesn't matter how I

469
00:28:24,040 --> 00:28:26,320
became a mom.
I am a mom.

470
00:28:26,320 --> 00:28:30,160
And it doesn't, it doesn't do
anything for me to continue to

471
00:28:30,160 --> 00:28:34,000
focus on the past.
I have to move forward.

472
00:28:34,360 --> 00:28:37,440
So I hadn't moved forward in
that yet.

473
00:28:37,760 --> 00:28:39,440
And that's what was holding me
back.

474
00:28:39,440 --> 00:28:43,960
That's what was making me angry
at my kids and just making me

475
00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:50,680
feel like an overall turd mom
because I was so mad at myself

476
00:28:50,840 --> 00:28:54,360
for having these feelings of I'm
exhausted today.

477
00:28:54,360 --> 00:28:57,520
If only I had one less child or
I didn't have any children.

478
00:28:57,640 --> 00:28:59,840
My husband and I could go out on
dates.

479
00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:03,280
These are all things that moms
think about and we feel bad

480
00:29:03,280 --> 00:29:05,680
about it.
But I felt extra bad about it

481
00:29:05,680 --> 00:29:10,400
because I wasn't even sure, did
I really want this or did I just

482
00:29:10,400 --> 00:29:13,760
do this because it served what I
wanted to do at that point?

483
00:29:14,040 --> 00:29:17,400
And I felt terrible for my kids
because they didn't deserve that

484
00:29:17,440 --> 00:29:19,280
either.
They didn't ask to be born.

485
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:24,600
So that was a big realization
for me.

486
00:29:24,600 --> 00:29:29,240
And unfortunately, I had to
learn it the hard way that he

487
00:29:29,240 --> 00:29:33,080
was working on this.
But since I accepted that and I

488
00:29:33,280 --> 00:29:37,760
repented for how I acted about
that and my selfishness, I have

489
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:41,800
had less anger burst.
I still get those moments like

490
00:29:41,800 --> 00:29:45,760
every mom does where it's like,
oh, can you just leave me alone?

491
00:29:45,760 --> 00:29:49,080
I need like 5 minutes.
You're talking too much.

492
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:53,000
You know, we all get that way
and I've learned to be accepting

493
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,840
of that because that just comes
with the mom territory.

494
00:29:56,040 --> 00:29:59,880
But I don't feel that extra
layer of guilt because it really

495
00:29:59,880 --> 00:30:01,920
doesn't matter how I became a
mom.

496
00:30:01,920 --> 00:30:05,080
I am a mom.
He gave me these children.

497
00:30:05,360 --> 00:30:11,160
He gave me to them for a reason.
He already knew how I felt about

498
00:30:11,160 --> 00:30:13,520
all that and he still did it
anyways.

499
00:30:13,520 --> 00:30:16,600
He still said, no, you're the
perfect mom for these kids.

500
00:30:17,040 --> 00:30:22,000
So that's where I tried to train
my brain now is there's a reason

501
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:25,760
that I am their mom, So let's
work with that.

502
00:30:26,200 --> 00:30:30,520
And I try not to focus so much
on what can't be changed.

503
00:30:30,680 --> 00:30:34,040
What's the point?
So that's where I'm at right

504
00:30:34,040 --> 00:30:39,040
now.
Yeah, Anna, thanks for lighting

505
00:30:39,040 --> 00:30:42,600
it all out.
Wow, wow.

506
00:30:43,520 --> 00:30:47,040
Praise God for the deliverance.
Experience.

507
00:30:48,360 --> 00:30:53,200
And I genuinely thank you for
your transparency here because

508
00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:57,120
you're talking about stuff that
most people don't want to touch

509
00:30:57,120 --> 00:31:00,560
with a 10 foot pole.
And I think you even evidenced

510
00:31:00,560 --> 00:31:04,680
that when you were saying I told
almost everybody I knew about my

511
00:31:04,680 --> 00:31:07,920
pornography and not a single
person followed up with me about

512
00:31:07,920 --> 00:31:09,600
that.
Yeah, yeah.

513
00:31:09,720 --> 00:31:14,680
And I, I look back on that and
like nobody's ever really said,

514
00:31:14,680 --> 00:31:17,360
Oh, hey, you know, are you still
doing that?

515
00:31:17,360 --> 00:31:21,520
Are you still sober?
Like I, I don't, I don't know if

516
00:31:21,520 --> 00:31:26,040
I ever expected that people were
going to do it or what, but I

517
00:31:26,040 --> 00:31:30,080
just, I knew that people needed
to know because the more people

518
00:31:30,080 --> 00:31:32,760
knew, the more I knew that they
knew.

519
00:31:32,880 --> 00:31:35,920
And if something happened, what
are they going to say?

520
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:39,560
Because I still have the people
pleasing aspect of me back then.

521
00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:43,480
So I think that that worked in
my favor back then, so that was

522
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:46,200
good.
But yeah, now I don't it's, it's

523
00:31:46,200 --> 00:31:48,280
not even a thing.
If someone were to ask me, I

524
00:31:48,280 --> 00:31:50,480
might even laugh at them.
They're like, oh, are you sober

525
00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:51,880
now?
I'd probably just laugh at like,

526
00:31:51,880 --> 00:31:54,200
I don't know how many years it's
been, but yeah, I like, why are

527
00:31:54,200 --> 00:31:57,840
you even asking, you know?
But back then I think I needed

528
00:31:58,000 --> 00:32:02,160
that people pleasing style to
help keep me on tracks.

529
00:32:03,080 --> 00:32:05,800
Yeah, how old are your five
kids?

530
00:32:07,440 --> 00:32:15,200
Well right now I have 181396 and
almost three.

531
00:32:16,960 --> 00:32:20,440
Yes, like Pokémon, I got to
come, got to catch them all.

532
00:32:20,440 --> 00:32:23,920
I have them all.
Full house for sure.

533
00:32:24,520 --> 00:32:25,440
Yeah.
Wow.

534
00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:33,640
Well, man, there's so much here.
I want to rewind a little bit,

535
00:32:33,760 --> 00:32:37,840
OK?
I want to rewind and I would

536
00:32:37,840 --> 00:32:40,920
like for you to help us
understand way back at the

537
00:32:40,920 --> 00:32:47,240
beginning, why pornography was
attractive to you.

538
00:32:49,520 --> 00:32:53,480
Well, without getting in too
many weeds, just out of respect

539
00:32:53,480 --> 00:32:57,320
for people and everything.
Appreciate that.

540
00:32:58,680 --> 00:33:03,560
I had some abuses in my life,
which was one trigger.

541
00:33:03,560 --> 00:33:09,600
I had some issues with friends
that also triggered it a little.

542
00:33:10,320 --> 00:33:15,440
And I used to have one of those
TV's with like the turn dial.

543
00:33:17,120 --> 00:33:22,240
Yeah, I'm old.
But anyway, I used to, I think

544
00:33:22,240 --> 00:33:26,040
that this happened after, you
know, some of the abuses and

545
00:33:26,040 --> 00:33:29,800
everything, but I would twist
the channel because that's what

546
00:33:29,800 --> 00:33:32,960
you got to do back in the day,
little ones, that's what you had

547
00:33:32,960 --> 00:33:35,160
to do to get to different
channels.

548
00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:38,240
You had to twist it.
And occasionally there'd be a

549
00:33:38,240 --> 00:33:42,080
channel with squiggly stuff and
people who looked naked.

550
00:33:42,440 --> 00:33:45,160
And I don't know what it was,
but there was something about it

551
00:33:45,160 --> 00:33:48,240
I just wanted to see.
And then it started feeling

552
00:33:48,240 --> 00:33:53,120
different for me.
Like, you know, God made sex to

553
00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:57,480
be good.
We perverted it and I think

554
00:33:57,480 --> 00:34:01,120
that's what it was is it gives
off the happy feel, feels.

555
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:04,560
That's what it does.
And it there was just something

556
00:34:04,560 --> 00:34:06,120
about it.
Just watching it just kind of

557
00:34:06,120 --> 00:34:08,679
made me feel this emotion I
wasn't used to.

558
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:11,600
And maybe that's what other kids
feel when they, you know,

559
00:34:11,600 --> 00:34:14,719
accidentally, you know, touch
themselves or someone does

560
00:34:14,719 --> 00:34:17,920
something to them.
I think that's what it did.

561
00:34:18,280 --> 00:34:22,639
And because of that, I started
training my brain that maybe

562
00:34:22,639 --> 00:34:28,280
this can help take away the pain
from that or if I'm having a bad

563
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:32,239
day and maybe this will give me
that temporary release that I

564
00:34:32,239 --> 00:34:35,880
need from that emotion.
And then you just, you know,

565
00:34:36,040 --> 00:34:38,840
just like if you were to eat
junk food all the time, oh,

566
00:34:38,840 --> 00:34:42,159
McDonald's sounds delicious
today, but you had it yesterday

567
00:34:42,159 --> 00:34:44,880
and the day before.
But you just start training your

568
00:34:44,880 --> 00:34:47,800
brain that I have to have this,
I need this, I want this.

569
00:34:48,239 --> 00:34:50,000
And that's just kind of how it
was.

570
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,960
I just slipped into it, but I
didn't slip into the full on

571
00:34:54,440 --> 00:34:56,760
looking at pornography for a
long time.

572
00:34:56,760 --> 00:34:59,840
I started with, I guess you
would call it soft porn, which

573
00:34:59,840 --> 00:35:04,040
is like, you know, you watch ATV
show and there's this scandalous

574
00:35:04,040 --> 00:35:06,680
scene and it looks like they're
doing it, but they're not

575
00:35:06,680 --> 00:35:09,600
really.
And I'd watch movies that had

576
00:35:09,600 --> 00:35:12,920
that and I tried to keep cool
and you know, like it's not

577
00:35:12,920 --> 00:35:15,680
doing anything for me.
And then maybe later, I'd go and

578
00:35:15,680 --> 00:35:18,480
watch it by myself, and it would
be my release.

579
00:35:18,920 --> 00:35:23,320
And that's just how it started,
you know, accidentally seeing a

580
00:35:23,320 --> 00:35:26,440
website and then, you know,
logging that in for my brain

581
00:35:26,440 --> 00:35:31,760
later at another point.
And then, you know, as the phone

582
00:35:31,760 --> 00:35:34,520
started becoming more of a tool
where you can just do whatever

583
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:37,760
you want and no one will notice,
that's when it happened.

584
00:35:37,760 --> 00:35:41,320
And then I became an adult, and
I had my own abilities to do

585
00:35:41,320 --> 00:35:45,080
what I wanted to.
And it just, you know, kept

586
00:35:45,120 --> 00:35:54,760
piling up on itself.
Yeah, man, I'm sorry about some

587
00:35:54,760 --> 00:35:57,680
of those triggering events.
I don't want to overlook that.

588
00:35:57,680 --> 00:36:02,120
No, God has been good.
Well, the only reason I leave at

589
00:36:02,120 --> 00:36:05,280
vague is because I've forgiven
the people.

590
00:36:05,480 --> 00:36:10,280
Some of them restoration has
been restored in relationships

591
00:36:10,280 --> 00:36:14,440
and some of them no
relationship.

592
00:36:14,440 --> 00:36:17,480
No, nothing has been anything
like that.

593
00:36:17,480 --> 00:36:21,920
But I look back on it and maybe
they didn't know any better

594
00:36:21,920 --> 00:36:25,280
either.
And I've just, I've matured to

595
00:36:25,280 --> 00:36:27,960
the point where I know that I
need to forgive people.

596
00:36:27,960 --> 00:36:32,400
Maybe some situations can be
rectified where relationships

597
00:36:32,400 --> 00:36:35,080
can still be there, other ones
maybe not.

598
00:36:35,080 --> 00:36:39,360
And that's OK.
But I just know that, you know,

599
00:36:39,360 --> 00:36:42,680
I, I'm not harboring any ill
will towards anybody for

600
00:36:42,680 --> 00:36:47,600
anything that happened.
And it's, it's made me who I am

601
00:36:47,600 --> 00:36:49,440
today.
Would I change it?

602
00:36:50,160 --> 00:36:55,120
I, I would be quick to say yes,
but then I'd also be quick to

603
00:36:55,120 --> 00:36:59,320
say no, I can't because I don't
know what that would do to who I

604
00:36:59,320 --> 00:37:02,360
am today.
I mean, if I didn't have this

605
00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:05,280
addiction to pornography, who
would I be today?

606
00:37:05,480 --> 00:37:10,880
I don't even know it.
It would be too hard to go go

607
00:37:10,880 --> 00:37:14,360
down that rabbit trail and try
to figure it out because I don't

608
00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:17,640
know, maybe it would have just
kept people pleasing and would

609
00:37:17,640 --> 00:37:21,280
not have an actual relationship
with God, would not be secure in

610
00:37:21,280 --> 00:37:22,960
where I'm going when I go to
heaven.

611
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:25,920
So yeah, that's how I look at
it.

612
00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:29,520
Yeah, yeah.
Those are bold proclamations

613
00:37:29,520 --> 00:37:31,120
there.
Yep.

614
00:37:32,160 --> 00:37:35,280
So I want to kind of March
forward, I guess a little

615
00:37:35,280 --> 00:37:41,960
chronologically here and help us
better understand what you were

616
00:37:41,960 --> 00:37:46,000
describing about walking away
from the faith and what that was

617
00:37:46,040 --> 00:37:49,800
what what what life was like at
that point for you guys.

618
00:37:50,760 --> 00:37:57,440
Well, it sucked it.
It's funny because I didn't.

619
00:37:57,920 --> 00:38:00,960
I walked away from the faith,
but the faith didn't walk away

620
00:38:00,960 --> 00:38:04,600
from me.
Growing up in the church, I knew

621
00:38:04,600 --> 00:38:06,520
all the things.
I knew what you should and

622
00:38:06,520 --> 00:38:10,200
shouldn't be doing.
So the whole time I'm sowing my

623
00:38:10,200 --> 00:38:12,600
rebellious seeds, I know they're
wrong.

624
00:38:12,600 --> 00:38:16,040
I'm feeling the guilt.
And when I felt guilty,

625
00:38:16,040 --> 00:38:20,840
especially back then when I felt
guilty, I felt it in my stomach

626
00:38:20,840 --> 00:38:23,680
like I could not eat.
It was that bad.

627
00:38:23,760 --> 00:38:26,920
Like there would be times where
I would want to eat and I'd, I'd

628
00:38:26,920 --> 00:38:30,520
like gag, like I just, I could
not put food in my mouth.

629
00:38:30,520 --> 00:38:34,040
I knew something was wrong.
And that's just how I felt

630
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:38,040
during the whole 8 months that I
was, you know, going around with

631
00:38:38,040 --> 00:38:40,360
different people and drinking
and all that stuff.

632
00:38:40,360 --> 00:38:43,960
It felt awful during that time
because I knew what was wrong.

633
00:38:43,960 --> 00:38:48,200
But I also enjoyed it because I
was sticking it to my parents

634
00:38:48,200 --> 00:38:51,640
and my ex-husband who were
always trying to control me and

635
00:38:51,640 --> 00:38:56,160
no one could control me now.
And at one point I just got

636
00:38:56,160 --> 00:38:58,560
tired of it.
I was like, I can't do this

637
00:38:58,560 --> 00:39:02,240
anymore.
I have a child and I'm done.

638
00:39:02,560 --> 00:39:06,360
Like I was just done after 8 1/2
months of it.

639
00:39:06,360 --> 00:39:08,520
I just said, you know, I'm done
with that.

640
00:39:09,400 --> 00:39:12,640
But then I just decided, OK,
well, I'm not going to do this

641
00:39:12,640 --> 00:39:16,080
anymore.
But I still had my pornography

642
00:39:16,080 --> 00:39:20,360
addiction.
I was still drinking a lot, but

643
00:39:20,360 --> 00:39:23,640
the sleeping around was over.
That was pretty much all that

644
00:39:23,640 --> 00:39:28,120
was over.
I was still drinking a lot and I

645
00:39:28,120 --> 00:39:29,840
still didn't want to go to
church anymore.

646
00:39:29,840 --> 00:39:32,160
I just didn't want God at that
point.

647
00:39:32,680 --> 00:39:38,680
And I, I don't know if I felt
that he wasn't there for me.

648
00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:42,680
Like I I don't know if I
projected how my family was on

649
00:39:42,680 --> 00:39:45,320
to him.
I really don't understand why I

650
00:39:45,320 --> 00:39:50,120
went so hard against him too,
because I was still listening to

651
00:39:50,120 --> 00:39:52,680
his voice telling you, you know,
this is wrong.

652
00:39:53,200 --> 00:39:57,360
Like, like I said, I felt the
guilt and the shame every single

653
00:39:57,360 --> 00:40:00,680
time I did something and I knew
it was wrong.

654
00:40:00,680 --> 00:40:04,680
Like I just knew it was wrong.
So I don't know if that's why it

655
00:40:04,680 --> 00:40:07,600
went so hard is because I was
just trying to get his voice out

656
00:40:07,600 --> 00:40:11,840
of my head.
But for the two years that I was

657
00:40:11,840 --> 00:40:15,800
married to my second husband, I
was listening to awful music.

658
00:40:15,800 --> 00:40:17,960
My kids were listening to awful
music.

659
00:40:17,960 --> 00:40:21,400
I was watching terrible shows.
I was still looking at

660
00:40:21,400 --> 00:40:25,640
pornography.
And you know, I was cussing like

661
00:40:25,640 --> 00:40:28,760
a sailor and.
And I had never really done that

662
00:40:28,760 --> 00:40:32,840
before, but it just became part
of my everything.

663
00:40:33,000 --> 00:40:36,200
It was even on my Facebook.
When I get back to Christ, I had

664
00:40:36,200 --> 00:40:39,880
to go deep diving and delete a
lot of stuff that I had in there

665
00:40:39,880 --> 00:40:42,840
because I was like, I had so
much junk in there.

666
00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:50,560
But I just, I didn't want to
hear him anymore.

667
00:40:51,160 --> 00:40:55,560
I I wanted to be me.
I wanted to be who I wanted to

668
00:40:55,560 --> 00:40:59,680
be who I was supposed to be, not
what everyone, including God,

669
00:40:59,680 --> 00:41:02,960
wanted me to be.
So I tried really hard to push

670
00:41:02,960 --> 00:41:06,880
against him, but I still always
had that in the back of my mind

671
00:41:06,880 --> 00:41:09,240
that he's there.
I know he sees me.

672
00:41:09,240 --> 00:41:13,360
I know he knows what I'm doing.
And yeah, you.

673
00:41:13,680 --> 00:41:18,280
I mean, my drinking stopped in
like a really terrible sort of

674
00:41:18,280 --> 00:41:20,400
way too.
And God was faithful to me.

675
00:41:20,400 --> 00:41:24,560
Then I ended up getting alcohol
poisoning for three days and

676
00:41:24,560 --> 00:41:27,680
literally could not sit up in
bed without throwing up.

677
00:41:28,200 --> 00:41:30,880
I could not leave the bed for
three days After that I was

678
00:41:30,880 --> 00:41:35,600
like, never again.
So I mean, I, I, I don't drink

679
00:41:35,600 --> 00:41:39,640
anymore now.
I really can't physically but

680
00:41:41,600 --> 00:41:45,760
back up.
Like maybe eight years ago, I

681
00:41:45,760 --> 00:41:48,960
could, you know, have a sip or
two or whatever, but I knew my

682
00:41:48,960 --> 00:41:52,520
limits.
Now I literally can't have a sip

683
00:41:52,520 --> 00:41:55,760
without starting to feel a buzz.
And I freak out.

684
00:41:55,760 --> 00:41:59,280
Like I, I don't want to call it
PTSD because I think that's

685
00:41:59,280 --> 00:42:02,520
unfair to people who actually
have PTSD, but I don't know how

686
00:42:02,520 --> 00:42:06,640
to explain it.
But I just get like this anxiety

687
00:42:06,640 --> 00:42:08,920
about it.
And I could almost throw the

688
00:42:08,920 --> 00:42:11,600
drink like that's just how
stressed I would be.

689
00:42:11,800 --> 00:42:15,880
So I really don't drink anything
anymore because I just, I don't

690
00:42:15,880 --> 00:42:18,080
like the feeling.
Like what's wrong with people?

691
00:42:18,080 --> 00:42:21,360
Why do they still do this?
Like I, I just, I can't.

692
00:42:21,640 --> 00:42:26,480
But God has been faithful to me
the whole time and I look back

693
00:42:26,480 --> 00:42:30,000
on every single stupid thing I
ever did and knew that I was

694
00:42:30,000 --> 00:42:33,480
doing was stupid and was even
sometimes in the middle of doing

695
00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:36,600
it knowing how terrible it was
and that God was probably crying

696
00:42:36,600 --> 00:42:38,840
right now.
And I still did it anyways.

697
00:42:39,080 --> 00:42:42,720
And I look back now and I'm like
God, why didn't you smite me?

698
00:42:42,720 --> 00:42:45,880
At any point, you would have
been justified in doing it.

699
00:42:46,400 --> 00:42:51,560
And yeah, I'm well aware of how
much grace he's given me and

700
00:42:51,560 --> 00:42:54,200
mercy.
And I know where I should be

701
00:42:54,200 --> 00:42:59,040
right now, in jail because I did
some stupid things and he did

702
00:42:59,040 --> 00:43:02,040
not give me what I deserve.
And that has been the hardest

703
00:43:02,040 --> 00:43:08,560
thing for me is to accept that
and to give that to people, to

704
00:43:08,560 --> 00:43:11,840
other people.
I'm, I'm a human being.

705
00:43:11,840 --> 00:43:14,840
I'm not perfect.
So I also struggle with wanting

706
00:43:14,840 --> 00:43:18,240
to forgive certain people.
But that's one of the main

707
00:43:18,240 --> 00:43:22,600
reasons why I've forgiven a lot
of the people from my past is

708
00:43:23,120 --> 00:43:25,480
because I know what I've been
forgiven from.

709
00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:30,600
So I hope that answered.
Your question, yeah, absolutely.

710
00:43:30,880 --> 00:43:33,240
Grace flowing to us and through
us.

711
00:43:35,280 --> 00:43:42,440
So you wanted free child care?
OK, that was on the surface.

712
00:43:42,440 --> 00:43:45,720
I'm going to go go so far as to
say that's on the surface.

713
00:43:46,200 --> 00:43:51,360
OK, why going to church?
But we could, we can get

714
00:43:51,360 --> 00:43:54,320
creative, right?
We can get creative and figure

715
00:43:54,320 --> 00:43:57,400
out other alternatives.
So what I'd like to understand

716
00:43:57,400 --> 00:44:03,520
is what do you think it was at
that moment, beyond just free

717
00:44:03,520 --> 00:44:10,040
child care, that said church?
I don't know, I think it was

718
00:44:10,040 --> 00:44:17,400
just wanting to find people I
could relate to and that was all

719
00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:20,560
I knew.
I grew up a Christian.

720
00:44:20,560 --> 00:44:24,160
I've been Christian sheltered my
whole life.

721
00:44:24,520 --> 00:44:27,560
I didn't have any real non
Christian friends.

722
00:44:28,280 --> 00:44:31,120
I didn't have any friends at
that point because I had given

723
00:44:31,120 --> 00:44:35,880
up on friendship too.
So I think that's just kind of

724
00:44:35,880 --> 00:44:41,360
all that I knew was that and
seeing the advertisement for it

725
00:44:41,400 --> 00:44:45,440
at the movie theater, I was just
like, OK, I guess I can go there

726
00:44:45,440 --> 00:44:49,920
or whatever.
Yeah, yeah.

727
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:53,280
Thanks.
That is what it is.

728
00:44:53,360 --> 00:44:56,600
You know, there's some
foundational elements in your

729
00:44:56,600 --> 00:45:00,920
life that made that work.
Yeah.

730
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:06,160
So how have you heard God
speaking to you?

731
00:45:06,160 --> 00:45:08,360
Because you've mentioned that a
number of different times.

732
00:45:09,320 --> 00:45:14,240
Well, I'm learning about how
there's ways where you think

733
00:45:14,240 --> 00:45:18,280
God's speaking to you and ways
that he is actually speaking to

734
00:45:18,280 --> 00:45:21,560
you.
It's it's really hard.

735
00:45:21,560 --> 00:45:24,960
I know if you're praying and
you're reading the Bible and

736
00:45:24,960 --> 00:45:29,200
you're close to him, you can
actually, you'll really know

737
00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:34,840
when God's speaking.
But I always felt this real

738
00:45:34,840 --> 00:45:39,880
burning inside, like, like my,
my insides would just feel warm

739
00:45:39,960 --> 00:45:42,800
and I, I would always feel
nervous.

740
00:45:43,160 --> 00:45:45,800
And that's kind of how I felt.
Like maybe this is God telling

741
00:45:45,800 --> 00:45:48,760
me to do something because it
would always be something that

742
00:45:48,760 --> 00:45:52,120
would stretch me as a person
that I didn't want to do.

743
00:45:52,680 --> 00:45:56,400
Like when he is like, you need
to stay in Connecticut and trust

744
00:45:56,400 --> 00:46:00,240
me, I could have gone home and
been comfortable there.

745
00:46:00,240 --> 00:46:04,000
I had family there that would
take care of me and my kids.

746
00:46:04,000 --> 00:46:06,520
I would have been fine.
But to stay in Connecticut where

747
00:46:06,520 --> 00:46:11,240
I didn't know anybody, didn't
have a job, just started going

748
00:46:11,240 --> 00:46:14,280
to a church and wasn't even sure
if I was going to continue.

749
00:46:14,280 --> 00:46:17,080
I didn't have anybody at that
point.

750
00:46:17,480 --> 00:46:21,920
So it was very stressful to
trust that that's what he was

751
00:46:21,920 --> 00:46:25,840
saying.
And but there was just an

752
00:46:25,840 --> 00:46:28,720
overwhelming piece, like I knew
I had no choice.

753
00:46:28,720 --> 00:46:33,240
Like I had to do this.
And that's how it is now is I

754
00:46:33,240 --> 00:46:36,200
have peace about a lot of
different things.

755
00:46:36,200 --> 00:46:38,920
I mean, I'm going through a
situation with my daughter, my

756
00:46:38,920 --> 00:46:45,320
oldest, who is a prodigal child,
and I'm at peace about it all.

757
00:46:45,320 --> 00:46:48,400
I pray for her.
I talk to her as often as I can.

758
00:46:48,720 --> 00:46:51,600
She was going through a moment
where she believed that she was

759
00:46:51,600 --> 00:46:54,040
transgender.
And I had this overwhelming

760
00:46:54,040 --> 00:46:56,720
peace during the whole thing
because I knew God was in

761
00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:58,560
control.
He took care of me.

762
00:46:58,560 --> 00:47:02,000
He's going to take care of her.
No matter what happens, I know

763
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:06,400
it's going to be OK.
And that's kind of how I know

764
00:47:06,400 --> 00:47:10,160
it's him talking or wanting me
to do something is because I

765
00:47:10,160 --> 00:47:13,320
know it's going to stretch me
and it's going to hurt and I

766
00:47:13,320 --> 00:47:16,200
don't want to do it.
And that's usually how I know

767
00:47:16,200 --> 00:47:19,520
that it's God talking to me
because it's easy for me to be

768
00:47:19,520 --> 00:47:24,480
like, oh, God wants me to go to
Fiji and witness on the beach.

769
00:47:24,480 --> 00:47:26,480
I mean, for me personally, that
would be torture.

770
00:47:26,640 --> 00:47:30,480
But for somebody else, you know,
it's like, OK, that doesn't

771
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:34,520
maybe.
But you know, for me it would

772
00:47:34,920 --> 00:47:39,560
this is this is more realistic
version of that it for me to

773
00:47:39,560 --> 00:47:44,280
quote UN quote hear God talking
to me would be, oh, he just

774
00:47:44,280 --> 00:47:48,000
wants you to stay at home, not
talk to anybody and just do your

775
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:52,920
own thing like that.
That would be me hearing quote

776
00:47:52,920 --> 00:47:57,040
UN quote, Jesus speaking to me.
So when he asked me to do

777
00:47:57,040 --> 00:48:00,280
something that isn't something I
would really be ready to jump

778
00:48:00,280 --> 00:48:04,560
at, then I usually know that
that's him talking to me.

779
00:48:04,840 --> 00:48:07,920
But now that I'm getting more
out of my shell on certain

780
00:48:07,920 --> 00:48:11,680
things, I'm having to take a
step back and say, OK, is this

781
00:48:11,680 --> 00:48:15,480
just me wanting to push myself
further or is this really him?

782
00:48:16,040 --> 00:48:19,760
So then I have to pray about it
and stay close.

783
00:48:19,760 --> 00:48:22,440
And I try not to read into the
scriptures.

784
00:48:22,440 --> 00:48:24,640
You know, when I'm reading
things, I try not to do the

785
00:48:24,640 --> 00:48:27,240
whole, oh, well, look, this
scripture says this.

786
00:48:27,240 --> 00:48:30,760
Maybe this is him telling me.
Sometimes it just comes out of

787
00:48:30,760 --> 00:48:34,040
the blue and friends will be
like saying something to me.

788
00:48:34,040 --> 00:48:36,400
And it reminds me of something
that I prayed about.

789
00:48:36,400 --> 00:48:38,920
And I'm like, well, maybe that
is what God wants me to do.

790
00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:42,000
And sometimes you just have to
take a step out in faith and

791
00:48:42,000 --> 00:48:45,920
maybe it'll not work out.
And then you realize, OK, maybe

792
00:48:45,920 --> 00:48:48,760
it wasn't right or maybe it just
wasn't the right time.

793
00:48:48,920 --> 00:48:50,280
So.
But yeah.

794
00:48:51,480 --> 00:48:53,600
Yeah.
Thanks for laying that out very,

795
00:48:53,640 --> 00:48:56,200
very clearly.
Yeah, really appreciate that.

796
00:48:57,280 --> 00:49:04,760
So let's go to the conference,
OK, because you talked about

797
00:49:05,480 --> 00:49:11,200
seeing the brokenness and the
hurt and experiencing the weight

798
00:49:11,520 --> 00:49:15,520
of that color that in more for
us.

799
00:49:16,560 --> 00:49:24,120
Feels like a big wool wet
blanket in the middle of a humid

800
00:49:24,120 --> 00:49:28,680
summer day.
You just feel like, get this off

801
00:49:28,680 --> 00:49:30,600
of me.
What is wrong with you?

802
00:49:30,680 --> 00:49:33,600
I don't feel comfortable.
I don't want this.

803
00:49:33,880 --> 00:49:39,120
What is this?
And then just kind of add on a

804
00:49:39,200 --> 00:49:43,840
layer of feeling like maybe
someone did the worst thing in

805
00:49:43,840 --> 00:49:46,000
the world, the worst betrayal to
you.

806
00:49:46,880 --> 00:49:51,240
And you just your heart breaks
over it and you don't think

807
00:49:51,240 --> 00:49:54,560
you're ever going to be able to
go on.

808
00:49:55,040 --> 00:49:57,800
And that's probably how I felt
at that moment.

809
00:49:58,080 --> 00:50:01,440
I just, I wanted to go up to
people and hug them and say,

810
00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:04,880
Jesus loves you.
You don't have to do this.

811
00:50:05,120 --> 00:50:09,800
You don't have to be this like,
that's just what I wanted to do.

812
00:50:09,800 --> 00:50:14,760
And I kind of wish I did, but
back then, Anna back then would

813
00:50:14,760 --> 00:50:18,440
not have been able to do it.
Anna now, maybe.

814
00:50:18,880 --> 00:50:21,280
Oh, no, I'm still shy.
So I don't know.

815
00:50:21,640 --> 00:50:26,360
But but yeah, I think that
that's pretty much sums it up

816
00:50:26,360 --> 00:50:31,320
how it felt.
Yeah, she mentioned that you

817
00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:34,600
could see it.
You share more about that?

818
00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:43,120
It just felt dark, like not
physically dark, but I just

819
00:50:43,320 --> 00:50:48,560
obviously didn't see demons or
anything, but it just felt evil.

820
00:50:48,560 --> 00:50:51,880
Like you'd look out and you see
all this stuff and you just

821
00:50:51,880 --> 00:50:56,200
instinctively know it's wrong.
This you just have this.

822
00:50:56,400 --> 00:50:59,880
Why are they doing this?
What is going on here?

823
00:51:00,160 --> 00:51:05,760
How how is this OK?
Like I, I think when I say

824
00:51:05,760 --> 00:51:09,560
visually it for me, I don't
know, maybe it was just because

825
00:51:09,560 --> 00:51:14,400
I had not seen anything like
that for a year and a half that

826
00:51:14,400 --> 00:51:19,040
seeing it for the first time in
this kind of setting, it just

827
00:51:19,360 --> 00:51:24,040
opened my eyes to wow, this is
really not OK.

828
00:51:24,760 --> 00:51:29,680
And that's probably what I mean
by I see it is that I just I saw

829
00:51:29,840 --> 00:51:33,720
it for what it was is like this
is not OK.

830
00:51:34,120 --> 00:51:37,360
What are what are they doing?
This is not OK.

831
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:41,800
Yeah, whereas before it was
completely normal.

832
00:51:41,800 --> 00:51:44,360
For you desensitized to it and
everything.

833
00:51:44,360 --> 00:51:47,880
Yeah, I was like my everyday
whatever, you know?

834
00:51:48,120 --> 00:51:51,040
I knew it was wrong and it
sucked and I hated doing it, but

835
00:51:51,040 --> 00:51:54,120
it was my monkey on my back.
I got to have it with me.

836
00:51:55,680 --> 00:52:02,480
Yeah.
How was that middle of the night

837
00:52:02,920 --> 00:52:07,920
repentance different from all of
the other quote UN quote

838
00:52:09,200 --> 00:52:14,280
repenting times?
I really felt done at that

839
00:52:14,280 --> 00:52:17,840
point.
I I knew I couldn't hide it

840
00:52:17,840 --> 00:52:21,600
anymore.
I knew I had a problem and I

841
00:52:21,600 --> 00:52:25,760
knew that God was clearly
telling me it's over.

842
00:52:26,400 --> 00:52:32,600
And I was tired of feeling like
a hypocrite and I did not want

843
00:52:32,600 --> 00:52:35,920
to go on for the rest of my life
like a hypocrite.

844
00:52:36,600 --> 00:52:42,680
So yeah, I, I, I was at my
breaking point at that point.

845
00:52:42,720 --> 00:52:46,800
My son walking in and seeing
that, not that he saw anything,

846
00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:49,960
but just seeing me sitting there
on my phone and then yelling at

847
00:52:49,960 --> 00:52:53,480
him for it.
That was like it for me.

848
00:52:53,600 --> 00:52:58,360
And then hearing, you know, what
he was saying, because not long

849
00:52:58,360 --> 00:53:03,560
before that, we were talking
about Samuel and how he was

850
00:53:03,560 --> 00:53:07,640
hearing the voice of God.
But he kept thinking it was, I

851
00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:13,760
can't remember who it was, but
you know, he, yeah, his rabbi.

852
00:53:14,760 --> 00:53:17,760
And I was telling my son that
it's important that we listen

853
00:53:17,760 --> 00:53:19,960
for God's voice when he's
talking to us.

854
00:53:20,320 --> 00:53:24,720
So then this happens.
And I just felt like it was God

855
00:53:25,320 --> 00:53:28,000
confirming that.
Yeah, you were right to tell him

856
00:53:28,000 --> 00:53:32,240
that I used him.
Now what are you gonna do?

857
00:53:33,880 --> 00:53:37,000
Like, like balls in your court
is what I felt like he was

858
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:39,480
telling me.
And yeah, I was.

859
00:53:39,520 --> 00:53:43,240
I was just done.
I couldn't handle it anymore.

860
00:53:43,520 --> 00:53:47,720
It was getting out of control.
It was becoming more consistent.

861
00:53:47,960 --> 00:53:51,720
I was not getting any happier.
It was messing with my

862
00:53:52,120 --> 00:53:56,720
relationship with my husband.
All the images and everything

863
00:53:56,720 --> 00:54:01,200
from the past and it was just,
everything was just there and I

864
00:54:01,560 --> 00:54:05,560
didn't know how to do anything
other than let it go to God.

865
00:54:08,800 --> 00:54:12,400
Yeah, thank you for sharing
that.

866
00:54:12,400 --> 00:54:14,040
I just want to keep listening to
you.

867
00:54:14,040 --> 00:54:15,440
Describe this.
I mean it's.

868
00:54:16,520 --> 00:54:20,400
Because of the redemption.
The redemption.

869
00:54:22,120 --> 00:54:32,200
Thank you.
Well, ah, man, there's so much

870
00:54:32,200 --> 00:54:38,760
here.
So let's let's land the plane or

871
00:54:38,760 --> 00:54:46,320
at least start in on final
approach because man, you've got

872
00:54:46,320 --> 00:54:51,320
deliverance at the conference.
You've got your son, a four year

873
00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:56,320
old saying God told me to find
you right or God, God told me to

874
00:54:56,320 --> 00:55:05,120
come look for you.
Was those were those things

875
00:55:05,120 --> 00:55:09,480
coincidence or God?
Oh, it was all God.

876
00:55:09,480 --> 00:55:14,920
God's been weaved in my story
the whole time, and I knew it

877
00:55:15,400 --> 00:55:18,960
the whole time, which is why I
was constantly feeling that

878
00:55:19,400 --> 00:55:23,640
nagging guilt in the back of my
head and warring with myself.

879
00:55:23,640 --> 00:55:25,600
Should I stop?
Should I not stop?

880
00:55:26,400 --> 00:55:31,960
And yeah, now that I look back
on all of it, I see it clearly.

881
00:55:31,960 --> 00:55:34,920
And I'll be laying in bed
getting ready to get up in the

882
00:55:34,920 --> 00:55:38,280
morning and I'll just think of
something from my past.

883
00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:42,400
And I can see where he was doing
things, where he was protecting

884
00:55:42,400 --> 00:55:44,880
me, where he didn't need to
protect me.

885
00:55:44,880 --> 00:55:48,160
He could have just left me to my
own devices, but he didn't.

886
00:55:48,280 --> 00:55:52,360
So yeah, there's there's no way
anyone could convince me that

887
00:55:52,360 --> 00:55:56,520
God doesn't exist and that he
was not working in my life.

888
00:55:58,520 --> 00:56:02,520
Yeah, praise God.
Praise God.

889
00:56:04,200 --> 00:56:09,400
All right, Anna, how has your
life changed as a result of

890
00:56:09,400 --> 00:56:11,120
everything that you've
described?

891
00:56:12,200 --> 00:56:16,440
Well, my mental state is
definitely better because I'm no

892
00:56:16,440 --> 00:56:18,440
longer looking at that stuff
anymore.

893
00:56:19,720 --> 00:56:22,920
The images, praise God, for the
most part, are all gone.

894
00:56:23,040 --> 00:56:25,720
Like I said, sometimes things
will pop in my brain and I was

895
00:56:25,720 --> 00:56:28,440
like, OK, that's weird.
And then I just keep going on

896
00:56:28,440 --> 00:56:34,720
with life.
My anger, like I said, has, you

897
00:56:34,720 --> 00:56:39,160
know, dissipated significantly.
I'm always keeping it in the

898
00:56:39,160 --> 00:56:42,680
back of my head that I know that
I'm a selfish person.

899
00:56:42,680 --> 00:56:47,480
And if I have a moment where I'm
trying to get something done and

900
00:56:47,480 --> 00:56:51,880
one of my kids is nagging at me
to, you know, help them, I have

901
00:56:51,880 --> 00:56:55,840
to physically remove myself from
what I'm doing and have a

902
00:56:55,840 --> 00:57:00,200
gracious attitude about it and
realize that God is trying to

903
00:57:00,200 --> 00:57:05,800
stretch me again and accept that
and go do my motherly duties.

904
00:57:06,240 --> 00:57:13,000
So that's been a struggle, but a
fun struggle, I guess, because

905
00:57:13,000 --> 00:57:15,440
he's been working on it a lot
lately.

906
00:57:15,440 --> 00:57:17,880
I mean, I've got the podcast, I
got all these different things

907
00:57:17,880 --> 00:57:21,280
I'm doing and you know, one of
my kids will need something,

908
00:57:21,280 --> 00:57:23,680
another one.
I'm like, OK, I got this.

909
00:57:23,680 --> 00:57:26,920
I can do this, Lord, I know what
you're doing and I'm going to

910
00:57:27,160 --> 00:57:29,960
succeed because I don't want to
have to keep learning this

911
00:57:29,960 --> 00:57:32,600
lesson.
That's that's the key that I've

912
00:57:32,600 --> 00:57:37,040
learned is if I don't want to
keep having these tests, then I

913
00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:42,520
need to ace it immediately.
So that's working on is when I

914
00:57:42,520 --> 00:57:47,560
feel like something's off or I
know he's trying to work on

915
00:57:47,560 --> 00:57:49,680
something.
I'm like, OK, then what do I

916
00:57:49,680 --> 00:57:53,680
need to do to make this stop?
Because I want to learn this

917
00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:56,560
lesson and I don't want to have
to repeat it.

918
00:57:56,560 --> 00:58:00,160
So what do I need to do?
So I've been more hyper aware

919
00:58:00,160 --> 00:58:06,640
of, I guess my flaws and, you
know, my pride and the issues

920
00:58:06,640 --> 00:58:10,160
where I need to work on things.
I've been more open and honest

921
00:58:10,160 --> 00:58:14,880
with people since ages ago when
I was not.

922
00:58:15,520 --> 00:58:21,960
And I've been more willing to
share details with people who

923
00:58:21,960 --> 00:58:25,760
really want to know because I
really want to help people not

924
00:58:25,760 --> 00:58:28,200
have to go through the struggles
that I went through.

925
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:35,760
And just for a little fun
Buzzkill I I have a hard time

926
00:58:35,760 --> 00:58:40,480
watching anything nowadays.
I barely watch anything.

927
00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:44,960
It's so funny.
I used to be obsessed with

928
00:58:44,960 --> 00:58:48,200
watching Tvi could binge watch a
show in a day.

929
00:58:48,200 --> 00:58:53,040
Like I I could sit all day and
watch TV and watch movies no

930
00:58:53,040 --> 00:58:55,760
problem.
Now you can barely catch me

931
00:58:55,760 --> 00:58:58,480
sitting on the couch without
feeling like I got to get up and

932
00:58:58,480 --> 00:59:01,240
do something.
But even when I'm on the couch

933
00:59:01,240 --> 00:59:05,760
and watching kids shows and
because I'm learning the Russian

934
00:59:05,760 --> 00:59:10,640
language, I'll watch Russian
stuff, but I don't really watch

935
00:59:10,640 --> 00:59:13,120
a lot of movies.
I don't watch a lot of TVI

936
00:59:13,200 --> 00:59:15,520
certainly don't watch any TV
nowadays.

937
00:59:16,880 --> 00:59:23,200
But I have detoxed myself so
much that just like when I

938
00:59:23,200 --> 00:59:26,320
walked in the to the porn
convention and was like, whoa,

939
00:59:26,320 --> 00:59:30,080
this is not OK.
That's how I feel about a lot of

940
00:59:30,080 --> 00:59:34,880
the stuff that I watch now is I
see it, I hear it and I'm like

941
00:59:34,880 --> 00:59:38,760
whoa, how did I watched this
before?

942
00:59:39,440 --> 00:59:42,680
One of my favorite shows of all
time is called Psych.

943
00:59:42,920 --> 00:59:47,440
I still like it but now I watch
it on vid Angel which lets you

944
00:59:47,440 --> 00:59:51,680
cut out some stuff.
But I had watched an episode on

945
00:59:51,680 --> 00:59:56,600
actual just Prime Video and
there was like F words in it.

946
00:59:56,760 --> 00:59:59,480
Like really?
How did I not know this?

947
00:59:59,480 --> 01:00:02,480
I don't recall that.
Did they block it out on the TV

948
01:00:02,480 --> 01:00:06,720
And like it just things just
went right past me and now they

949
01:00:06,720 --> 01:00:10,320
don't.
And I told my husband, I said I

950
01:00:10,320 --> 01:00:13,800
think the reason why I don't
watch a lot of anything anymore

951
01:00:14,160 --> 01:00:17,320
is because it's going to ruin it
for me.

952
01:00:17,960 --> 01:00:20,080
You know, like I have all these
movies I like.

953
01:00:20,080 --> 01:00:24,080
I used to love Tommy Boy.
I know how terrible Tommy Boy

954
01:00:24,080 --> 01:00:27,520
is, but I can quote the movie
like that's how many times I've

955
01:00:27,520 --> 01:00:30,720
seen it.
But it's hard for me to watch

956
01:00:30,720 --> 01:00:35,760
now because I see everything in
it and it's no longer fun.

957
01:00:35,920 --> 01:00:38,400
Frasier is one of my favorite
shows.

958
01:00:38,640 --> 01:00:42,760
It's hard for me to watch now
because I see that stuff and it

959
01:00:42,760 --> 01:00:46,840
does something to me and I know
I can't enjoy it the same way I

960
01:00:46,840 --> 01:00:49,760
did.
So I'm very limited on what I

961
01:00:49,760 --> 01:00:52,920
watch.
I'm limit myself on the things

962
01:00:52,920 --> 01:00:55,360
that I do watch that have
questionable stuff.

963
01:00:55,800 --> 01:00:58,400
And if I can vidangel it, I
will.

964
01:00:58,760 --> 01:01:02,600
But yeah, so I mean, that's why
I say buzzkill because my

965
01:01:02,600 --> 01:01:04,840
husband will want to watch
certain things and I'm like, I

966
01:01:04,840 --> 01:01:07,120
can't watch this.
Do you know what's in it?

967
01:01:07,480 --> 01:01:10,440
Or I'll be like, you can watch
it, but I'm not going to watch

968
01:01:10,440 --> 01:01:13,600
it, you know?
I just don't want it to, This

969
01:01:13,600 --> 01:01:15,760
might sound terrible, but I
don't want it to ruin the

970
01:01:15,760 --> 01:01:21,240
memories I had of it when I was
naive and could really enjoy it.

971
01:01:21,520 --> 01:01:24,680
And I know that if I watch it
now, it's going to ruin it for

972
01:01:24,680 --> 01:01:27,760
me like I used to.
Like all those feel good 80s

973
01:01:27,760 --> 01:01:30,720
movies, like can't buy me love
and all that stuff.

974
01:01:31,400 --> 01:01:34,360
Watch it now.
It's not happening.

975
01:01:34,360 --> 01:01:36,280
Do you know what's in 80s
movies?

976
01:01:36,280 --> 01:01:39,960
Like that's just how I am now.
Feel like the old, old

977
01:01:40,200 --> 01:01:42,800
schoolmarm or something.
Like you can't do that.

978
01:01:43,240 --> 01:01:45,280
But that's just, that's just how
I am.

979
01:01:45,280 --> 01:01:49,400
I can't turn it off.
I I don't want to walk in on

980
01:01:49,400 --> 01:01:53,120
something and see two people
pretending like they're

981
01:01:53,120 --> 01:01:57,000
romantically involved and feel
like I just walked in on their

982
01:01:57,000 --> 01:02:00,360
bedroom and you're like, whoa,
sorry, I got a I'm going to

983
01:02:00,360 --> 01:02:02,720
leave, you know, like I don't
want to watch that.

984
01:02:03,240 --> 01:02:06,840
So that's another way that I've
significantly changed as I just

985
01:02:06,840 --> 01:02:12,040
can't watch TV anymore.
Yeah, track with you on that.

986
01:02:12,040 --> 01:02:16,280
I mean, you're describing
essentially being a new person.

987
01:02:16,360 --> 01:02:19,960
Yeah.
You've been made new in Christ.

988
01:02:20,600 --> 01:02:23,360
Yeah.
Praise God.

989
01:02:25,360 --> 01:02:28,120
So I'm going to just open it up.
Any final thoughts from you?

990
01:02:29,640 --> 01:02:33,920
Well, any women who are
struggling with this addiction,

991
01:02:33,920 --> 01:02:38,520
I know you don't want to talk
about it, but if you do end up

992
01:02:39,120 --> 01:02:41,640
getting to the end of your rope
and you do want to talk about

993
01:02:41,640 --> 01:02:46,880
it, you can always find me at
honestchristianconversations.com.

994
01:02:47,400 --> 01:02:50,720
There's a tab up top that says
contact me.

995
01:02:50,720 --> 01:02:55,400
You can send praise reports,
prayer reports, you can send me

996
01:02:55,400 --> 01:02:58,240
questions.
If you want to conversate about

997
01:02:58,240 --> 01:03:03,640
this subject, I'm there for you.
You can't keep it hidden

998
01:03:03,640 --> 01:03:07,120
forever, and you can't keep it
hidden from God at all.

999
01:03:07,760 --> 01:03:12,680
So what are you waiting for?
If you're done with it, just RIP

1000
01:03:12,680 --> 01:03:15,360
it off like a Band-Aid and you
got to tell somebody.

1001
01:03:15,360 --> 01:03:19,000
You have to admit what it is,
and once you do that, then the

1002
01:03:19,000 --> 01:03:24,880
healing can actually start.
Yeah, thanks for being open to

1003
01:03:24,880 --> 01:03:29,560
that, listeners.
Well, tell us all a little bit

1004
01:03:29,560 --> 01:03:34,000
more about Honest Christian
conversations and, you know,

1005
01:03:34,160 --> 01:03:36,920
preps, your website and other
ways that people can contact

1006
01:03:36,920 --> 01:03:39,960
you.
All right, well, the podcast is

1007
01:03:39,960 --> 01:03:43,200
called Honest Christian
Conversations, and it's just

1008
01:03:43,200 --> 01:03:45,560
what it is.
We have honest Christian

1009
01:03:45,560 --> 01:03:49,840
conversations about cultural and
spiritual issues within the

1010
01:03:49,840 --> 01:03:54,400
Christian faith.
And right now we're going

1011
01:03:54,400 --> 01:03:57,360
through a season where I am
having different people on the

1012
01:03:57,360 --> 01:04:02,520
podcast to share their stories
and I'm enjoying it.

1013
01:04:02,520 --> 01:04:06,400
I'm learning a lot from
different people and you know,

1014
01:04:06,400 --> 01:04:10,800
we're, we're figuring out where
the church is going wrong, where

1015
01:04:10,800 --> 01:04:13,800
they can do better in certain
things.

1016
01:04:14,200 --> 01:04:17,600
We're finding out how God is
working in people's personal

1017
01:04:17,600 --> 01:04:21,960
lives and just getting inspired
on how to read the Bible in a

1018
01:04:21,960 --> 01:04:24,560
deeper level.
And just all around, it's

1019
01:04:24,560 --> 01:04:30,400
helpful in your everyday life.
And yeah, you go to

1020
01:04:30,400 --> 01:04:35,320
honestchristianconversations.com.
The podcast is there, blogs are

1021
01:04:35,320 --> 01:04:39,120
there if listening to podcast is
not your thing, which would be

1022
01:04:39,120 --> 01:04:41,200
weird because you're listening
to one right now.

1023
01:04:41,880 --> 01:04:46,160
But anyways, if you like reading
them too, or you know somebody

1024
01:04:46,160 --> 01:04:48,680
who would rather read it,
they're on there as well.

1025
01:04:49,200 --> 01:04:56,040
And link to my books that I've
written my my published novels

1026
01:04:56,040 --> 01:04:58,800
that I have.
I have three of them.

1027
01:04:59,080 --> 01:05:01,920
They're on there as well.
Few other things.

1028
01:05:02,000 --> 01:05:06,640
And yeah, like I said earlier,
you can send me your prayer

1029
01:05:06,640 --> 01:05:10,040
reports and that's also on there
too.

1030
01:05:10,480 --> 01:05:15,080
So it's just an all around
everything type of website.

1031
01:05:15,080 --> 01:05:17,520
So that's the best way to get a
hold of me.

1032
01:05:17,960 --> 01:05:23,400
I'm also on Instagram and
Facebook at Honest Christian

1033
01:05:23,400 --> 01:05:29,600
Conversations.
Awesome, Anna, thank you.

1034
01:05:30,280 --> 01:05:33,600
Really, truly been a pleasure to
talk through all of this.

1035
01:05:34,080 --> 01:05:38,600
Thanks for the transparency, the
candor giving us more insight

1036
01:05:38,600 --> 01:05:43,240
and some of those follow up
answers and it's been great.

1037
01:05:43,640 --> 01:05:47,000
Thank you truly.
Thank you for letting me do it.

1038
01:05:51,080 --> 01:05:56,280
Was it coincidence or God?
You decide for yourself, but I

1039
01:05:56,280 --> 01:06:00,080
believe you just heard a story
for His glory.

1040
01:06:00,800 --> 01:06:05,520
When You Look is powered by
stories just like this and yours

1041
01:06:05,520 --> 01:06:09,600
could be next.
Go to whenyoulook.com/be a guest

1042
01:06:09,840 --> 01:06:12,040
or use the link in the
description below.

1043
01:06:12,600 --> 01:06:16,920
Drop us a comment and share this
episode with somebody that needs

1044
01:06:16,920 --> 01:06:19,880
it.
Until next time, thanks a bunch

1045
01:06:19,880 --> 01:06:22,680
for listening and watching, and
God bless.